In honour of our annual Sexmas issue, I decided to abandon my usual penchant for dry maturity in favour of a more sexual tone. With that in mind, I submitted my Goings On column to a horny, pimple-faced 13-year-old to spice things up with some dirty jokes. His contributions have been italicized and placed in parentheses, so as to avoid any confusion. Without further adieu, here’s this week’s list of what to do.
On Thursday, December 20 there will be a plethora of options for the discerning concert-goer, including the last ever Calgary appearance from Toronto post-hardcore vets Alexisonfire , who will appear alongside longtime community centre champs Moneen at the BMO Centre. If you came ( that’s what she said ) of age in the early 2000s, you’ll probably find a lot to love from these two bands. ( In bed . )
Or, you could head over to Republik, where Vancouver duo Japandroids ( a.k.a. Hentai robots ) will deliver the goods from their beloved Celebration Rock LP ( Long Penis? ). They’ll be joined by Montreal soft ( can’t get it up? LOL ) rocker Mac DeMarco , who adorned last week’s Fast Forward Weekly cover.
Fast Forward Weekly will also be hosting our own party at Broken City on Thursday, December 20, with the first monthly “Thirdsday” event. In keeping with the Sexmas theme, the first event will see Cowpuncher and The Suppliers play separately ( with themselves ) before coming together ( … ) for a collaborative set. The night is hosted by Danny Vacon and Andy Sparacino. Expect more than just music.
On Friday, December 21, the Mayans have predicted that the world will come to an end. That’s most likely not going to happen, but just in case it does, local musician Kenna Burima has assembled a small army of local talent to fill ( hey you said it, not me, guy ) the Royal Canadian Legion No. 1 for the End of the World Festival .
Back in October, EDM ( Erectile Dysfunction Man? I’m killing it ) superstar Tiesto was forced to cancel his Calgary appearance. Thankfully, he rescheduled and will make an appearance at the BMO Centre on Friday, December 21, where he’ll cause quite a stir on the dance floor! ( Also, in bed. )
On Christmas Eve Eve ( a.k.a. December 23 ), Republik will play host to its third annual Christmas Special, with appearances from The Dudes ( where’s the ladies at though amirite? ), Cowpuncher and Falcon ( a.k.a. Fuckin’ ). It’ll be a great evening for those of you who enjoy local rock music.
Then, on Boxing Day ( LOL at “box” ), local power-pop quartet The Mandates ( gay night out? ) will headline a bill alongside The Nancees, Witchstone and Prabes ( people who prey on pubes? Sorry, joke needs work… ). The whole thing’s going down ( again, what she said ) at The Palomino.
Thus concludes my Goings On experiment for the Sexmas issue. If you hated it, fret not, as it will never happen again. An early draft of the piece was leaked to a big-time Hollywood agent, and the 13-year-old jokester is currently hard at work in developing his first multi-camera sitcom for CBS.