Excluding R. Kelly, who is a human sex encyclopedia
When hinting around for help from my friends, trying to get ideas for this article, people kept rolling their eyes at me, saying, “R. Kelly. Duh.” Sure, fine. Every R. Kelly track is about having sex on Mars or impregnating club girls or making love to the most beautiful door handle that looked like breasts or whatever, but to give you a list of R. Kelly lyrics would be too easy. Plus, it would turn into a 7,000 word article and that is just not going to happen. So, here it is: The best and worst of sexual metaphors in songs that R. Kelly had no part of.
• Salt-N-Pepa – “Shoop” (1994)
“Shoop” is one giant metaphor for every kind of sexual move you could imagine. I know all the words to this song. I learned them in the fifth grade and I had no idea (well, some idea) what the song was actually about. That’s how well Salt-N-Pepa nailed it. I highly recommend you Google all the lyrics and read them while you listen to this classic rap track.
The line: “You’re a shot gun — bang! What’s up with that thang? I want to know how does it hang? Straight-up, wait-up, hold-up, Mr. Lover.”
• The Breeders – “Divine Hammer” (1993)
Since this song was released in the early ’90s, there has been a lot of speculation as to whether or not Kim Deal is actually singing about sex. I mean, it sounds like she is singing about sex. Deal slyly hums about looking for “one divine hammer” that she wants to “bang all day.” Deal wrote a lot of lyrics that involved love and sex in very obscure ways. This is what made her such a smart lyricist. However, “Divine Hammer” is perhaps her best chat about sex, especially with the whole rod into water metaphor she pulls out.
The line: “You are the rod and I am water. I’m just looking for one divine hammer.”
• Wynonie Harris – “I Like My Baby’s Pudding” (1950)
Using food as a sexual metaphor is pretty classic, but Wynonie Harris is also classic. “I Like My Baby’s Pudding” is so blatantly a song about a dude not wanting his woman to spread her legs for anyone else that he might as well be singing, “I like my baby’s pussy.” In the song, Harris talks about his baby’s pudding, how it’s the best pudding and that she better not give her pudding to any other man. Obviously he is referring to her vagina, because what kind of psycho won’t share pudding? Pudding is the worst dessert.
The line: “She promised me she wouldn’t give no one her pudding but me. I don’t believe her, so I’ll just have to wait and see. Gonna watch my baby both night and day so she won’t give my pudding away.”
• Chuck Berry – “My Ding-a-ling” (1972)
I don’t even know where to start with this song. It’s amazing. Basically, Chuck talks about a toy his grandmother gave him, “silver bells on a string” that he said he called “my ding-a-ling.” Then, the rest of the verses are puns about his ding-a-ling (or dick) getting hurt in cheeky little situations, like when he fell out of a tree or into the river. This song would have made the “Worst” list if it wasn’t so evident that Chuck Berry is, in no way, serious about his ding-a-ling. It’s a kid’s song for horny adults.
The line: “I want you to play with my ding-a-ling.”
• B4-4 – “Get Down” (2000)
About 10 years ago, there was a Canadian boy band called B4-4. They were comprised of identical twin brothers and their best friend. All the men in the band wore shell necklaces and had their hair in the kind of faux-liberty spikes you would find on a guy who eats glow sticks at gay clubs every weekend. B4-4 had a hit called “Get Down” which was about oral sex. The metaphors in the song were not really metaphors. “If you get down on me / I’ll get down on you.” Other themes in the song included love, pressure to go all the way, knowing every inch of one’s body and setting one’s spirit free with that knowledge. The cheekiness came in the phrasing, especially in one standout line.
The line: “I’m going to make you cum tonight… (pause) over to my house.”
• France Gall – “Les Sucettes” (1964)
This song is literally about a chick named Annie who likes anise flavoured lollipops and she sucks them all day. Annie only wants kisses of anise, just like her precious lollipops. Girls sucking on phallic shaped objects is the oldest trick in the book, so when you combine these lyrics with the music video (which shows people dressed as giant lollipops and shots of women sucking on candy) with France Gall’s baby singing voice, this song becomes a sick pervert’s fantasy.
The line: “When the candy stick with anise flavour goes down Annie’s throat she is in heaven.” [Translated from French because the French are sick perverts]
• KISS – “Love Gun” (1977)
When you pull the trigger of Gene Simmons’ love gun, does it open the trap door to his family jewels?
The line: “You can pull the trigger of my love gun.”
• Flo-Rida – “Whistle” (2012)
You would think that if you were going to equate your penis to an inanimate object in a song, you would pick something larger than a God damn whistle. Not Flo-Rida. He wants his penis to be associated with something smaller than a One-Bite Brownie. He also says, “Everywhere I go my whistle about to blow,” which to me says that everyone he meets makes him climax. Gross. Have some self-control, you virgin.
The line: “Just put your lips together and come real close. Can you blow my whistle, baby?”
• Van Halen – “Pound Cake” (1991)
What could be more sexist than comparing a woman’s body to a home-cooked pound cake? Seriously, I’m asking you this question.
The line: “Homegrown and down-home, yeah that’s the one / Still cookin’ with that old time, long lost recipe / Lemme get one some of that real fine pound cake.”