SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) Hey yo-yo! You’re gonna keep goin’ up and down, up and down until you stop blindly followin’ your impulses and start using your cerebrum. Once you’ve figured out that trick, you’ll be able to walk the dog or even go around the world!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) Things may have cooled out a bit between you two, but there’s still a tad o’ tension from agreeing to disagree. Maybe it would take some of the pressure off if you knew you were right. Cuz you were.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) Bein’ a bootlickin’ toady got you down? Puckerin’ up ain’t the only way to get where you wanna go, y’know. This week, heed the words of the wise minstrel who once sang, “You’ve got to be cruel to be kind.”
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) It’s hard to keep a free-thinkin’ mind like yours tethered to one spot, and this week you’ll feel like cuttin’ your rope. The rub is that quitting what you’re doin’ now’ll ruin your plans for the future. But then again, your plans never stay the same anyway, do they?
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) Like the old sayin’ sez: you make your own luck. The more you do for other folks when they need it, the more they’ll do for you when you need it. Now if that only worked at the casino, you’d really be laughin’, huh?
ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) You’ll be worried about work next week, wonderin’ where you stand with The Man. Well, right now it’s in the shadows. That’s good, though. You can pretty much get away with almost anything when no one can see you.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) Change is good, especially as far as you and romance are concerned. Think it over, though. You don’t wanna be like the bull who figured that jumping over the fence would set him free, when it only put him in a whole different pen, do you? Especially when you’re about to leap into a feedlot.
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) Scientific studies have shown the left and the right hemispheres of the brain control different functions. The left controls reason, while the right is tuned to intuition. When they work synergistically, they are more than the sum of their parts. In other words: guts + brains = BOOM!
CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) Feelin’ mangled because your loose ends are all dangled? Then how ’bout you finish what you start one of these days? Oh, yeah. You’re lazy. Start with that and you’ll be amazed at how fast they sew themselves up.
LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) You’re brilliant. That’s not the problem. It’s takin’ all them indomitable idears of yours and organizing the li’l buggers. The sooner the better. Once you have your army in array there ain’t no one who can stand in your way.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) You may be miserable now, but that’s mostly ’cause you ain’t really doin’ anything about it, are you? Are you one o’ them there masochists? Well, if pain and trouble make you stronger, then look out Hercules, here comes Virgo!
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) The cavalry’s a-comin’, but it’s going to be a while before they show up. Don’t be surprised if, like Custer’s crew, they’re too late to help you. Don’t be daunted, though. Unlike that sissified mustache boy, you can take on the whole tribe and triumph.