CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) What better way to finish off the old year than with a new dear? Even though it’s too early for Cupid, you’ll find a certain someone who’ll make you downright stupid. Go ahead and be totally dumb, chum. Ignorance is bliss so there’s really no way you can miss!
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) Just ’cause the last time you ladled out your love soup you ended up with nothin’ but soggy crackers, that doesn’t mean you should keep it all to yourself. In fact, nobody else is gonna fill your bowl while there’s still some in there, so the only way you’ll get more is if yours is all dished out.
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) Who do you think you’re kiddin’? You expect us to believe you’ll stash that Xmas cash? We know you better than that... especially when you’re able to drink like the fish you are. This festive season, don’t plan on swimmin’ too far!
ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) ’Tis the season of givin’ and what people really want from you right now is the one thing you hate to give up: yourself. Put it on the line just this one time or else destiny will mess with thee. Big time.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) Takin’ a new path is always hard, but especially so for a bull who loves to plow the same row over and over. It may be harder work in the fresh unfurrowed fields, but it’ll actually feel like you’re doing something real.
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) Why is love so cruel? ’Cause you think about it too much, fool! It’s like the weather: it’s always there, it’s always changin’ and there’s not much you can do about it. If it’s cold, you put on something warm. If it’s rainin’, you put on a raincoat. If it’s hot, you take off your clothes. Who needs to think?
CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) If 2012 taught us anything, it’s that when the goin’ gets tough, the tough beat up the weak and take their stuff. Although you may be tempted to bust some melons for moolah this week, is that really you? Wouldn’t you get more if you pet those li’l heads instead?
LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) Bein’ in love ain’t gonna solve all your problems, silly. In fact, most people’ll tell you it only creates more of ’em. Usually they’re right, but you’ve never been one to back away from a fight. Why start now?
VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) There’s no use blamin’ anybody else. You’re the one who opened your yap and asked for it, now you’ve gotta deal with it... the sooner the better. If you don’t, someone else will and you know that means stickin’ you with the bill!
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) Gluttons for punishment, you loony Libras love to be in love, so don’t be surprised if you fall head over heels this week. Remember the world, and the object of desire you behold, are seldom as perfect as the ideals you hold. Love may come easy to you, but you’ve gotta work hard at it or it’ll go easy too!
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) This week you’ll have more opportunities than a mosquito at a fat farm. Like that needle-nosed nuisance, you’re going to have to do a lot of buzzin’ around till you’ve found the chubbiest one. When you do, sink in your siphon and suck!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) No wonder you’re not doin’ nothin’! For someone born under the philosopher’s sign you don’t spend much time thinkin’ about labour-saving devices. If everyone put in as much work and got so little back, no one would be doin’ anything! Try the ol’ Tom Sawyer trick and seek someone you can sucker into doin’ your dirty work this week!