Tomb

Once, I was driving home from the video store with a rental copy of the old PlayStation game Point Blank. The thing is, this particular game came with a gun-shaped controller, and the store rented this controller out in a plain white cardboard box with the word “GUN” written across the top in magic marker. A few minutes into my journey, it suddenly occurred to me that if the police pulled me over for some reason, they’d probably see the box marked “GUN” on my passenger seat and think I had a real firearm in there. That could get dicey.

“Step away from the vehicle, and keep your hands where I can see them, sir!”

“No, officer, you don’t understand! It’s just a plastic toy.”

“Sir! Keep your hands where I can see them!”

“Here, let me open the box and show—”

Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!

My point is, a replica firearm can get you in a lot of trouble, as we’ve seen in a number of movies. Such as:

• Time and Tide (2000). Tyler (Nicholas Tse) joins a team of unlicensed bodyguards, but since he’s the “new kid,” the boss refuses to give him a gun. Instead, Tyler purchases a replica pistol, and hopes for the best. It’s not a great solution — the gun-shaped hunk of plastic might get him into trouble with the cops, or worse, fail to bluff an armed assailant. But what else can he do?

The team gets hired to protect a VIP at a swanky birthday party. Just as the festivities get underway, the bodyguards receive word that an assassination attempt is imminent. One of the waiters working the event is a disguised hitman nicknamed “Little Rat.” Tyler gets to him first, and must take the killer down alone. As Little Rat lines up his shot from a storage area, Tyler tackles him, and pulls out his replica, pointing it at the killer. Little Rat just smiles at it.

“You think I was born yesterday? That gun is a fake,” he sneers.

“Take a closer look!” growls Tyler, smacking Little Rat in the face with his toy.

Well, that’s how the subtitles read, anyway. The English-dubbed version changes the dialogue to “What is this — cowboys and Indians? That gun is fake!” and “Yeah, it’s licorice!” Smack!

In any case, a blistering hand-to-hand battle ensues, proving that director Tsui Hark still knows how to shoot amazing action scenes.

• Snatch (2000). One of the peculiarities of this marvellous British action comedy is the fact that there’s virtually no on-screen violence. The film has an impressive body count (26), but almost all of the deaths occur out of frame. It’s the kind of detail you’re unlikely to pick up on at first, because it still manages to feel like a very rough-and-tumble film, which it is.

Everybody remembers the great scene in which supreme tough guy Bullet-Tooth Tony (Vinnie Jones) gets waylaid by a trio of nervous thugs with fake guns. Tony maintains his composure, and even seems a little bit amused, as he delivers a spectacularly insulting monologue to the hapless goons, ending with, “The fact that you’ve got ‘replica’ written down the side of your guns and the fact that I’ve got ‘Desert Eagle .50’ written down the side of mine should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence.”

He draws his own massive pistol during this diatribe, and the camera whooshes into close-ups of the various words etched into the sides when prompted. The thugs look absolutely crestfallen.

“Now fuck off,” growls Tony. They obey.

• National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983). Having endured the most hellish cross-country drive imaginable, vacationing dimwit Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) quite understandably snaps when he arrives at his family’s theme park destination only to find it closed for repairs. Hiding his intentions from his wife and kids, Clark discretely pops off to the store and buys a gun. Well, a BB gun actually, but it looks kind of real. Returning to the park, Clark brandishes his new faux-firearm (price tag still dangling from a string) at the terrified security guard, played by John Candy. Candy is forced at gunpoint to go on several rides with the Griswolds, before summoning up the courage to question the gun’s authenticity.

“That’s not a real gun, is it Clark?”

“Are you kidding? This is a Magnum PI.”

“It’s a BB gun.”

“Don’t tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.”

“You couldn’t even break the skin with that thing!”

“I could. I could break the skin and cause a very bad infection!”