Tomb

There's a movie character whose name I'd like you to remember, and that name is “Xenon.” He's the odious comic relief from a startlingly bad post-apocalyptic action flick called SHE (1982), and he's the single most ridiculous quasi-person to appear in any movie ever. You need to try pretty darn hard to stand out in a movie that has chainsaw-wielding mutants, vampires, werewolves, a telekinetic cult leader and a Frankenstein monster with an exploding head, but Xenon manages it with ease.

Shall I describe this creature? Imagine for a moment the character of Popeye the Sailor Man as played by Robin Williams. Yes, like in that dull live-action film Popeye (1980) — only blend in some of the stream-of-consciousness rapid-fire celebrity impressions that Williams puts into most of his other comic roles. Are you picturing him yet? Good, because we're just getting started.

Next, give Popeye a mustache, lots of Frankenstein-style stitches across his face, a frizzy white clown wig and an eye patch. I know that's a lot to take in, so stop reading for a second and breathe deeply. No need to hurry, this only gets weirder.

Ready yet? OK, now put him in a yellow cravat and hang bright yellow fringe up and down the arms and legs of his sailor suit. That's Xenon, and yes, I'm serious.

His first scene is 80 freaking minutes into the movie, at a stage when we've pretty much given up on seeing anything interesting. The hero, a tough shirtless blond guy with a sports jacket and a battle-axe, is trying to cross a bridge. At this point, Xenon appears and slows the guy's progress by humping his leg while doing impressions of Groucho Marx, James Cagney, the Cowardly Lion and about nine other characters in the space of a couple of seconds. Beefy shirtless dude is unamused by Xenon's fey capering and angrily trudges past him. When Xenon trips the guy with his quarterstaff, ol' Beefy decides that enough is enough and he chops Xenon's arm off and continues walking. Xenon looks slightly miffed at this point, and quizzically regards the bloodless, severed arm that is now lying on the bridge. Then, a cheesy ’80s-style special effect transforms the arm into a second wisecracking eye patch-wearing frizzy-haired sailor, and the two Xenons team up to irritate the guy some more. He chops the head off of one clone and the arm off the other, and resumes his angry walk across the bridge. The two Xenons stagger around for a while, waggling their stumps, before the glowing green special effect heals them again and makes two additional full-size Xenon clones.

So now we've got four indestructible freaks in disco suits, each one muttering random nonsense and doing its own funny walk. Shirtless guy either has zero sense of pattern recognition, or just hates these bozos too much to consider his actions, because he dismembers them all once more. Sure enough, zap zap zap zap, and now we've got eight identical Popeye clones, who, of course, link arms and form a Las Vegas chorus line.

It's probably overstating the case to call this scene a turning point in world cinema, but damn it, that's what it feels like. The scene crosses the stupid line, rockets past idiotic and finally breaks through some kind of invisible barrier, exposing us to vast new landscapes of cinematic possibilities that would simply never occur to the sane. One minute you're wincing at the worst joke you've ever heard, and the next, it feels like you've winced so hard that your face has turned inside out and now your head is travelling though hyperspace and witnessing the birth of the universe.