Tomb

Nothing will ever replace good old-fashioned human interaction for making movie recommendations, because a lot more is going on than just spouting off one movie title in response to hearing another. In face-to-face encounters, both parties are aware of one another’s body language, tone of voice and level of interest. Any moments in which both participants find themselves in agreement over their taste in film purifies the experience, leading to scenarios in which viewers pounce on recommended DVDs, seizing them with the same kind of breathless, panting enthusiasm usually reserved for small children on Christmas morning. Nonverbal cues can also warn you away from bad recommendations, like when you figure out that a twitchy, Ritalin-popping adolescent isn’t actually listening to your criteria, and is going to recommend Equilibrium (2002) to you, no matter how you approach him.

The reason I bring this up is a new website called ClerkDogs.com that my editor has been trying to get me to write about for several weeks now. I have been dragging my feet. The site is designed to give you movie recommendations after you type in the name of a film that you love. What makes this different from the “recommendations” function on sites like imdb.com (a notoriously broken feature that I have ridiculed in these pages on two separate occasions) is that every recommendation is made by humans. Curated by a cabal of former video store clerks, ClerkDogs.com strives to make intelligent recommendations that no computer algorithm could hope to match.

As a movie lover who delights in recommending films to friends and strangers alike, I am resentful of technology that seems determined to replace me and my kind. Sure, the involvement of actual human video clerks is a plus, but do you know where else you can find human video clerks?

Video stores! You know, actual brick-and-mortar establishments, filled with DVDs, and manned by friendly movie-loving people who like nothing better than guiding their customers to hidden gems and unsung masterpieces. Also, talk to your movie-savvy friends. We will not only point you towards awesome films, but explain why they are worthwhile viewing, specifically for you. Please do not raise a hand partway through such a spiel and say “Whoa there, fanboy; I’ll just go to ClerkDogs for that kind of information.”

Perhaps I’m being a tad unfair. The website is kind of a neat idea, and it seems to have improved a bit over the two months since its launch. Sure, most of the features don’t work yet, but the site always apologizes meekly whenever you ask it to do anything that’s too difficult for it. Let’s give it another chance, shall we?

The site asks me to type in the name of a movie I love. I enter Miller’s Crossing (1990). This is a magnificent depression-era gangster film that I’ve watched dozens of times. In my opinion, it’s the finest film that the Coen brothers have ever made, and films don’t get much better than that.

ClerkDogs responds with 36 hand-picked “matches” for Miller’s Crossing. The most prominent recommendation, framed in an enlarged box, is Brick (2005), another Dashiell Hammett-influenced story, this time set in a modern-day high school. Not bad, ClerkDogs. I did indeed enjoy Brick. What else is on this list? Lots of Coen brothers films, naturally — No Country for Old Men, Fargo, O Brother Where Art Thou?, The Big Lebowski... all good choices. Other terrific films are here too, all laid out in a grid along with their poster artwork, like a miniature customized video shelf, tagged with little blurbs comparing the various titles to Miller’s Crossing. There’s RocknRolla (“More Energetic”), Goodfellas (“Less Humour”), The Maltese Falcon (“Significant Influence”) and even the awesome Kung Fu Hustle (“Daffier”). Wow, this is great! Of course, there are a few oddball choices. Like Harlem Nights. And Men of Respect. And... and... Mad Dog Time?!?

Let me explain to the fortunate majority who don’t know this wretched movie. Mad Dog Time (1996), released on video as Trigger Happy, is an absolutely dismal crime film that famously inspired Roger Ebert to declare it “the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time.” Its presence in a list of films recommended for Miller’s Crossing fans can only come from somebody who hates Miller’s Crossing (and therefore hates film, and possibly hates happiness) or it’s a case of bald-faced sabotage.

No! Bad ClerkDogs! Bad!!!