We love movies, and we love gadgets. Every time we see a new gadget in a movie, we want it. Fictional, shmictional, give us a phaser! Scientists: Stop working on getting the right pH balance in our shampoo and make the cool toys!

Hell, let’s make all the cool movie devices, and put them together into one Swiss Army Knife. Here’s what I’m picturing:

Tool #1: Lightsaber. Obviously. Just like the blade in a regular Swiss Army Knife, this baby is going to be the entire gadget’s raison d’être 90 per cent of the time. It opens boxes, cans, bank vaults, whatever. Use it at parties to vapourize the cork off a bottle of wine, while making snide comments about how “clumsy” and “random” a plain old corkscrew is. Then smile as everybody in the room says “Holy shit! You’ve got a pocket lightsaber?!” and runs out to buy one.

Make sure that your Swiss Army lightsaber is the proper, expensive kind that extends with a press of a button; not one of those cheap knockoffs in which you have to pry the blade out with a fingernail, burning yourself in the process. That piece of junk doesn’t impress anybody.

Tool #2: Batman’s grappling hook. Escape from angry dogs, policemen and awkward conversations with this nifty pocket grapnel! Just point it at a rooftop, press the trigger and whoosh! Now you can get your son’s Frisbee off the chimney! While you’re up there, be sure to pose heroically with your hands on your hips, and let your moonlit silhouette strike terror in the hearts of criminals before climbing down again. Oh, and be sure to do lots of shoulder and wrist exercises, because this thing is going to yank the shit out of your right arm.

Tool #3: Sonic screwdriver. Because you never know when you might have to Doctor Who your way through a locked door (that’s right; I used “Doctor Who” as a verb).

Tool #4: Neuralyzer. The fourth device in our ultimate pocket tool is the memory-erasing doohickey from Men In Black. Just flash the little red light, and whomever is looking at it completely forgets whatever just happened. Whether you’ve just told your wife that she’s fat, got pulled over for speeding or gave a church sermon containing the phrase “motherfucker,” this little gizmo can fix seemingly intractable problems in the blink of an eye.

Tool #5: Portal Gun. OK, this one’s from a video game (or rather two video games, now that Portal 2 is out), but I still want one. Project orange and blue time-space gateways onto walls, allowing you to step into one hole and emerge from another. Bend the laws of physics for fun and profit! Set one portal above another, and you can free-fall indefinitely! Get yourself killed in the most stupid way imaginable, and have fun doing it!

Tool #6: Tweezers. Just, like, regular tweezers. Don’t laugh, you always wind up needing these things way more than you’d expect. Oh, and a toothpick as well. Just make sure you don’t accidentally pick your teeth with the lightsaber blade.

There you have it: the perfect pocket tool. Human civilization should stop working on boring stuff like agriculture and medicine until we’ve perfected this little beauty. Let’s go, people!