Tomb

Despair…. Despair!

Huh? Who's that? Is somebody talking?

You who call yourself “The Video Vulture” — hear me, and be dismayed!

...The hell?!

Only you can hear me, cursed one. Heed my words well, for I...

Oh, I get it now! I'm hearing voices again. Cool! Who is it this time? Reptilicus?

No, damn it, and you needn't be so flippant about all this! I am a manifestation of the dark forces within your very...

How ’bout if I just call you Reptilicus? Nice and simple. Hi there, Reptilicus!

I... you... OK, fine, whatever. Call me Reptilicus. Jeez. Like it matters. I bear grim tidings, foolish mortal. Hear my pronouncement and tremble! THE 13TH ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR PATHETIC VIDEO COLUMN IS NIGH UPON US!

No way, really? I've actually been cranking this nonsense out for 13 years?

Yes! And now, the unavoidable curse of the unluckiest number shall be upon you! THIRTEEN! WooOooOoo! Spooky!

Oh. I get it. Uh, I'm actually not that superstitious, you know...

Inspiration shall wither and die! Column ideas shall be lame and derivative! Writer's block shall dog you at every turn!

Oh really? Now you're warning me about that? Because that's pretty much what it's been like every week since 2003.

Smirk while you can, wretch! Soon you shall experience the hell of staring at a blank document, unable to come up with a single...

Oh hey! You just gave me a great idea for a column! Movies about the number 13!

What?! I, er...

Let's see now; there's 13 Ghosts, Ocean's Thirteen, Thirteen Days, Thir13en Ghosts (which I suppose is pronounced “ThirThirteenEn Ghosts”), Thirteen Conversations About One Thing...

Stop that! Nobody is interested in your God damn Google search, you moron!

Ooh, and how about that cheesy Canadian miniseries XIII: The Conspiracy, based on a freaking video game?

...Which video game was this?

XIII. It was a cell-shaded first-person shooter that went out of its way to look like a comic book, with words like “BOOM!” and “Ka-Pow!” appearing onscreen whenever you shoot something, as if it were an episode of the Adam West Batman show.

Sounds neat. So, do onomatopoeic sound effects pop up onscreen in the miniseries as well?

I wish! Nope, it's a pretty standard spy thriller. Actually, both the show and the game were based on a French comic book (also called XIII) about a hitman with amnesia, à la Jason Bourne. So it's technically not a video game adaptation. But you do get to see Canadian action icons Greg Bryk and Stephen McHattie kicking ass.

I love those guys! ...Hey, wait a minute! I'm supposed to be forecasting doom on you, and you keep distracting me!

Sorry, Reptilicus. Won't happen again.

Gah! Stop calling me Reptilicus! And show some proper trepidation for all the fucking doom I'm laying on you! Soon, you'll be entering your 13th year as the writer of...

...Hang on. Did you just say 13th year?

Yes! And your 13th year shall be plagued by...

Dude, I don't wanna burst your bubble, but my 13th year as the writer of Video Vulture ends in a couple of days. My 13th anniversary means that I'll be starting on my 14th year of writing this crap. Fourteenth. Not 13th.

What?!

Yeah man, if my 13th year is supposed to be all cursed and whatnot, it's just about over, so whatever.

Shit.

Aw c'mon, cheer up! Hey check this out; Takashi Miike's new movie, Thirteen Assassins, is coming out soon! It's about a bunch of samurai who team up in a suicide mission to kill an evil Japanese warlord!

That... that does sound pretty awesome (sigh). All right you bastard, never mind about all that evil curse stuff. Happy anniversary.

Thanks, Reptilicus! You too!

Whatever.