Tomb

You don't actually have to watch a film to make wiseass comments about it; you can just make fun of the title. In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do right now! Please note that the comments below bear no relation to the films themselves; just the titles.

• Let the Right One In (2008) — Let the right one out. Let the right one in. Shake it all about.

• Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead (1995) — Rock climbing? No. Tetherball? No. Water skiing? Nn… wait, yes. The dead can water ski, as demonstrated in the film Weekend at Bernie's (1989). Oh, and art galleries. They can visit art galleries. Although other people might think that they're an exhibit.

• Roadkill (1989) — Ah, the Canadian remake of Samuel Fuller's Dead Pigeon on Beethoven Street (1973)!

• Jakob the Liar (1999) — “Is your name spelled with a C?” “Uh... yes.”

• Aquamarine (2006) — Is this the prequel to Blue (1993)? Are we going through the entire colour spectrum?

• Ultraviolet (2006) — Oh, I see. Apparently we are going through the entire spectrum. Now we've come to a film that can't actually be detected by the human eye. We've literally gone too far.

“So, did you see Ultraviolet?”

“Nope. Couldn't. It's these damn human eyes.”

“Well, that's a shame. It sounds good.”

“No it doesn't. It sounds awful. Which is a shame, because hearing it is the only way you can actually perceive it.”

“Too bad. Do you want to watch The Invisible Man?”

“...Maybe you should let me pick the next film.”

• Whisper of the Heart (1995) — What's it saying? “Stop... (wheeze)… eating... (wheeze)… doughnuts....”

• The Purple Monster Strikes (1945) — Fair pay for purple monsters! End anti-purplism in the workplace! You're with us, aren't you, Grover?

• The Constant Gardener (2005) — “So, is there a lot of gardening in this movie?”

“Yeah. Constant.”

• The Number 23 (2007) — Do you have to watch The Number parts one through 22 to understand it?

• Prisoner of the Mountains (1996) — Hey, mountains, can I go yet? Helllooo?

• He Died with a Felafel in His Hand (2001) — Uh... are you gonna finish that?

• Octopussy (1983) — Just a little reminder here: “Octo” means eight. Something has gone seriously wrong with this title.

• Into the Sun (2005) — Steven Seagal is going... Into the Sun! Which means... we probably won't see him again. Stop cheering, you meanies.

• The Last Mimzy (2007) — Honey, are we out of Mimzy again? Weren't you supposed to pick up some Mimzy on the way home?

• Children of Men (2006) — Men aren't really into the whole “natural childbirth” thing. We usually ask for the epidural as soon as our water breaks.

• Drillbit Taylor (2008) — From the people who brought you Torque Wrench McGrath and Caulking Dispenser Johnson.

• Sword in the Moon (2003) — “No way.”

“Yes way.”

“You're lying.”

“I'll prove it. Look through this telescope.”

(Pause)

“Well that's weird. How the hell did it get up there?”

• The Sleeping Dictionary (2003) — “Filmmaking is easy. You start with an attention-grabbing title. Usually a punchy adjective-noun combination like The Creeping Unknown or The Towering Inferno. You try one.”

“OK, how's this? The... sleeping... uh.... dictionary.”

“...No.”

• Spider Forest (2004) — “What a great day for a picnic! Oh I say, Charles, let’s have lunch over there in that lovely forest! It's so peaceful and pretty and… AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”