Tomb

I think it’s time for a few incredibly specific movie suggestions, each tailored for one (and only one) individual. The method I use for assigning specific movies is so complex and sophisticated that it appears to be completely random and made-up to the casual observer, but trust me — the results will be magical. Look for your name in the following article, and follow the directions.

• Steve — you are reading this on the C-Train right now. If your name is Steve, but you are not currently on the C-Train, then I am addressing a different Steve, and you can relax.

Steve (the real Steve, on the C-train), the next movie you should rent is either Superbad (2007), Children of the Corn Part Four (1996) or Federico Fellini’s La Strada (1954) — your choice. Enjoy!

• Oswald — you can rent Payback or Platoon or Peacock King or Princess Diaries... anything starting with the letter P. Just make sure you get it in the next 20 minutes. Hurry!

• Angela — call your local jewelry store, and whoever picks up the phone, ask to speak to somebody else. Then ask the new person to name the last good film he or she saw. Watch that.

• Bertram — the next movie you should rent is Mr. T's Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool! (1984). “But John!” you’re thinking, “That’s only available on VHS, and has been out of circulation for over two decades!” Relax. Take this article and show it to the video store guy and identify yourself as Bertram. Yeah, that’s right... the Bertram. The one from the article. They'll hook you up.

• Shannon — you’re watching Shaolin Soccer (2001) this weekend. Write it down.

• Bryce — you need to watch five Betty Boop cartoons in a row. Then you’ll know what to do.

• Smegbert — your name is ridiculous. Who even names their child “Smegbert,” anyway? That’s unfortunate, man. Your assignment is to make your own movie and get it distributed, so that when the credit line “Written, produced and directed by Smegbert” comes up, we can have a good laugh. Oh, and your movie is going to be awesome, by the way. Make sure there’s an octopus in it.

• Jim — your next movie rental has to be Battlefield Earth (2000). It’s a terrible film, and you’re going to hate it. Sucks to be you, Jim.

• Gustav — your movie assignment is a secret, and cannot be revealed here. Go to the usual place and await further instructions.

• Roweena — this one’s going to be tricky. Blindfold yourself outside the video store, then enter and feel your way along the aisles while singing “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.” When the song ends, pick up the DVD that your hand landed on when you sang the last syllable.

Oh, unless you haven’t seen Swingers (1996) yet. In which case, just rent Swingers.

•• Wayne — crumple up a piece of paper and throw it straight ahead with all your might. If it hits the ground, rent Burn After Reading (2008). If it hits a piece of furniture or a wall first, rent a movie about either car racing or nuns. If it hits a person, rent a western with at least one dog in it. If it bounces off something and hits you, rent The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum at Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade (1967). If it disappears from sight completely, go skateboarding.