Tomb

Guy Ritchie’s Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998), Snatch (2000) and RocknRolla (2008) are three hilarious, exhilarating and action-packed films that I can watch over and over again. Much has been written about the similarities between these three films, but I can’t concede that as a legitimate criticism when the results are this much fun. Sure he’s done it before, but so what? It still works! The fact that Martin Scorsese was covering familiar material when he made Goodfellas (1990) doesn’t make that film any less of a masterpiece, and can you imagine condemning The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) for being too similar to the rest of the “Dollars” trilogy? Madness!

In any case, RocknRolla was a welcome return to form after Guy Ritchie’s ill-advised Swept Away (2002) and Revolver (2005), so just in case Mr. Ritchie ever gets back together with Madonna and starts making rubbish, here’s a quick recap on how to make a really excellent Guy Ritchie gangster film:

• Start with lots and lots of colourful characters. This ain’t Waiting for Godot, motherfucker — let’s get some more people in here. Give them all crazy nicknames, too, because otherwise we’ll forget who the hell everybody is. Names like “Brick Top,” “Doug the Head,” “Boris the Bullet-Dodger,” “One Two” and “Handsome Bob” are way easier to keep track of than “Bill” or “Frank.”

• Female characters are optional. It’s just not that kind of movie.

• Since all these characters will be struggling for screen time, make sure everybody gets to say something memorable. Not everybody’s going to be alive at the end, so give each character at least one line that is either unbelievably badass, hilarious, phenomenally stupid or all of the above.

Be generous. If some nonentity only gets one line, make sure it’s a line that people will be repeating to their friends for weeks after they see the film.

• Old gangsters are scary. They have seen and done unbelievably evil things to get where they are today, and if you are unfortunate enough to have, say, a kettle of tea that they want, they will kill you, take the kettle and turn your scalp into a tea cozy. This doesn’t mean that they lack a sense of humour, and they are certainly not indestructible.

• There has to be what Alfred Hitchcock called a “MacGuffin” — some valuable item that all of the gangsters are after. It could be a big diamond, a pair of antique shotguns or a lucky painting. As long as it’s something that can be stolen and re-stolen over and over again, the audience will have something to watch and keep track of. A Guy Ritchie film needs a MacGuffin for the same reason that a hockey game needs a puck.

• Once the MacGuffin is in play, a bunch of the characters will be at cross purposes trying to obtain it, sometimes snatching it from the clutches of somebody who was going to bring it to the same guy the thieves are taking it to in the first place. It will inevitably wind up in the hands of some baffled, semi-innocent thugs who have no idea of the item’s value. Mind you, it won’t stay there for long.

• Interrogation scenes never last long in Guy Ritchie films. Everybody cracks within seconds and tell their captors everything. The torturers are always experienced at this sort of thing, and have an unlimited supply of vicious dogs, pigs, crawfish, golf balls, etc., with which to extract information, while the captors are always terrified amateurs who are in way over their heads. They blab about the location of the MacGuffin before the first question is even asked. In a pleasing bit of gangster-movie justice, torturers always get killed in the end.

• One of the more competent gangsters will try to save money by forcing a team of ridiculously unprepared morons to do his dirty work for him. This will backfire hilariously.

• Random chance plays an incredibly important role in the Guy Ritchie universe. This is a huge part of the appeal of these films for me. With so many plotlines zipping this way and that, accidents are inevitable and impossible to prepare for. The characters should be stunned by a colossal reversal of fortune at least three times during the movie.

• Tying up every single loose end is for people with OCD. Once the momentum starts to ease up, just roll the end credits. Always leave them wanting more.