Tomb

Junior Mints. Oh yeah. Delicious, soft, chocolaty minty goodness, available in two box sizes: Way too small and way too big. This snack is specifically designed to spill on you and roll all over the floor when you open the box.

Each little mint is a dark, frictionless circle, making it way too difficult to pick up in a darkened theatre with popcorn-greasy hands. If you don’t find them all after they spill, they’ll melt on your pants, and you’ll look like a toilet exploded on you. Bestselling author Stephen King once suggested using a toothpick to spear the little morsels, calling them “Mint-Kebabs.” Genius!

• Nachos. Good lord, no. Those things aren’t nachos. Those are a tray of stale corn chips served with Velveeta. Ugh. Plus, every time you reach for a chip without looking, you stick your thumb straight into the cheese sauce.

Try this instead: Go home, preheat the oven to 350 degrees, and bake a plate of jumbo tortilla chips until they just begin to change colour. Next, load your pre-crisped chips up with real cheese, spiced cooked ground beef, chopped onions and peppers. Put the whole mess back in the oven for a few minutes until it’s all melty and yummy. Set out bowls of sour cream and fresh guacamole. Sit back in front of a Robert Rodriguez movie. Enjoy.

• Milk Duds. I don’t know what the hell these things are.

• Dill Pickles. These are a tremendously popular cinema snack in Texas. Weird, right? Imagine row after row of Texans devouring giant pickles on sticks while watching a Julia Roberts flick.

Well, who am I to judge? Pickles are a tasty and satisfying snack, so give one a try the next time you watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). It’s probably best to stick with vegetarian food for that movie, anyway.

• Pick ’n Mix. There have been various ways of selling cinema-goers little bags of overpriced sweets over the years. For a time, you could scoop out gummi bears and Reese’s Pieces into clear plastic baggies to be weighed at the counter. At that point, you found out that your tiny bag of sugar cost more than your theatre ticket.

The currently favoured method is a gumball-style vending machine that dispenses a variety of candies for a toonie. You have to grab a bag from the dispenser first, or else your treats wind up on the floor. At a mere $2, it’s one of the cheapest snack options available in the cinema, but it’s also barely enough candy to make a handful. The bulk foods section of your local grocery store has way cheaper pick ’n mix.

• Pizza. See, this is why other countries think we’re crazy: We eat pizza in movie theatres. Well, who cares what they think? We’re both watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), but I’ve got a hot pepperoni pizza in my lap; meanwhile, the Irish are just making do with ice cream. Suck it, Ireland.

• Tim Hortons. Hell yes, they’ve got Timmy’s in movie theatres now! Plus, it seems to be unaffected by the customary 600 per cent markup that the rest of the movie food court is foisting on us. A double-double with a box of timbits costs less than popcorn! Try an ice-cap as a cheap and refreshing alternative to the enormous bucket of watery concession stand cola.

• Shredded Squid Snack. OK, I admit that this sounds a little weird — it’s popular in Hong Kong — but it’s basically just seafood jerky. That’s not too gross, is it? Pale, chewy little bits of dried cuttlefish. With tentacles. Find yourself a bag, and settle in with Police Story (1985) on DVD. C’mon, it’s gotta be better than….

• Baked Fish Skeletons. What the hell, Japan? Seriously, what the hell? Baked fish skeletons coated in sugary soy sauce? If you’re watching movies in Japan and somebody passes you a bag of snack food, look closely before reaching in there. Never mind if you miss a few subtitles — just check the goddamn bag.