Tomb

In a previous column, your intrepid Video Vulture tested the hypothesis that something amazing always happens at precisely the one-hour mark of virtually any movie. It's more of a vague trend than an ironclad rule, but it's still great fun to slap random discs in the DVD player, advance to exactly 60 minutes in and see what happens. Now, let's continue this valuable research right where we left off:

• Test subject No. 16: The Island (2005): Ewan McGregor barges in on Steve Buscemi in a public toilet, demanding information. Rattled, Buscemi promises: “Let me pull my pants up, and I'll take you back to my place so we can be alone, OK?” Naturally, a slack-jawed redneck wanders into the bathroom just in time to get the wrong impression.

• Test subject No. 17: Red Sonja (1985): Jackpot! At precisely the one-hour mark, we see a little kid trying like hell to beat up Arnold Schwarzenegger! The big guy stands there stunned for a moment, tiny fists bouncing off his mullet, before he hoists his miniature assailant off his mighty shoulders and growls at him. Ha!

• Test subject No. 18: Death Race 2000 (1975): Sylvester Stallone delivers one of the oddest lines of his entire career; “You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato!” (?!?) Two minutes later, Mary Woronov drives her car over a landmine and blows up. Geez, I forgot how crazy this movie is....

• Test subject No. 19: Re-Animator (1985): Sixty minutes into this ghoulish splatter classic, we enjoy a spirited argument between two medical students who have discovered a means to raise the dead.

“Herbert, you're insane! Now what happened?”

“I had to kill him!”

“What? He's dead?”

“Not anymore.”

“Herbert, this has got to stop.”

• Test subject No. 20: RoboGeisha (2009): A scuzzy Yakuza gangster empties his pistol at RoboGeisha, but the bullets bounce off her. Then she karate chops his head so hard, it disappears down into his body. Then, he pops his head back up to argue with RoboGeisha some more, and she thumps him again. This continues for a while, in the style of “Whack-A-Mole.”

• Test subject No. 21: Switchblade Sisters (1975): Gang leader gets kicked in the crotch. Oof!

• Test subject No. 22: Bikini Airways (2003): Huh. A sex scene. What are the odds? Oh, and it's a three-way between two stewardesses and a passenger, in case you were wondering.

• Test subject No. 23: Pulp Fiction (1994): Adrenaline shot to the heart!

• Test subject No. 24: Kraa! The Sea Monster (1998): Holy cow! The good guys fire a giant laser beam at the giant monster, using some kind of orbital Death Star thingie! Woo hoo!

• Test subject No. 25: SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004): The one-hour mark of this weird Thai flick just shows the last few seconds of some kind of messy explosion. What the hell did I just miss? Rewinding a bit leads to an incredibly bizarre set piece: A madman with a gun suddenly gets bathed in white light radiating down from the heavens. He looks up, just in time to see a giant meowing CGI snake come down and eat him. Huh?

I rewind some more. Now there's a touching scene in which the good guys try to protect themselves from the gunman by blowing into a “magic whistle,” summoning not the expected CGI serpent, but rather some kind of crazy baldheaded wise man, who curses angrily at being magically summoned to his apprentice's side while he was trying to share a bed with an attractive young lady. (The wise man simply crashes through the ceiling, along with a mattress and a hot chick.) Wha?

A little more rewinding brings me to an astonishing scene in which a zombie fetus (!) chases the good guys, before receiving a Matrix-style drop kick from the hero.

Seriously, what the hell?! See, this is what happens when I try skipping to the middle of a movie I've never seen.