Tomb

Selecting the weirdest DVD bonus features is a daunting task, because there's just so much insane stuff out there. There's Tyler Durden advising audiences that urine is safe to drink in Fight Club (1999); there's a mad scientist film that comes packaged with a free 30-minute slaughterhouse documentary (Eyes Without a Face, 1960); there's even additional footage that attempts to make one of Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead films look like a sequel to The Planet of the Apes instead of the eerie Spanish zombie film that it is. Of course, those are examples of content that already existed before the DVDs ever came out, so it was quite natural to include them. For this list, I've tried to include items that have no explanation — content so bizarre that the distributors must have really wondered just what the hell they were unleashing on the public. Readers are encouraged to come up with their own lists: it's a fun exercise.

• The Silence of the Lambs (1991) — Back in the ’90s, people tended to obsess over the cleverness of their answering machine messages. If you couldn't come up with a witty, cute or brilliant phone message on your own, you could buy cassettes of generic phone messages, in which nameless voice actors would rap “wait for the beep” or bellow “Nobody's home! Nobody's home!” to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

The Silence of the Lambs DVD comes with an answering machine message from Anthony Hopkins in character as Hannibal Lector. He advises callers that you aren't available to answer the phone, while making veiled threats about eating their livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Classy, kitschy and unsettling, all at the same time.

• Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) — This direct-to-DVD followup to the TV series comes with a complete episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, the most popular sitcom of the 31st century. If you care to, you can watch a full 22 minutes of Hypnotoad staring back at you with those creepy pulsating eyes of his, with occasional commercial breaks, establishing shots, canned laughter and applause.

• Excel Saga, Volume Three — Fans of the berserk anime series Excel Saga (1999) know that the protagonist's adorable little puppy Menchi was adopted not as a companion, but as an “emergency food supply.” The poor little mutt seems fully aware of this, and each episode ends with the little guy singing a sad song about his inevitable fate as a meal, while the credits roll.

The Volume Three DVD includes some Menchi Recipes as a bonus feature. These are perfectly normal food recipes with cute names (such as “Menchiladas”) and each lists Menchi as an ingredient.

Oh, and there's also a “Find the Mint” game, in which the viewer is invited to guess which of the three pictured urinals contains one of those puck-shaped urinal deodorizer blocks. For some reason.

• Freaked (1993) — This two-disc deluxe DVD contains plenty of weird bonus features, but the one that really takes the cake is the “rehearsal version” of the movie. Sure, we've seen auditions and table reads before, but this is different. This is insane. This is a bunch of people in sweatpants, walking around a barren room, script in hand, reading out the entire script of the film! Plus, writer-director-star Alex Winter (the other guy from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) does all 80-plus minutes of this while wearing his grotesque mutant makeup from the movie. So not only is Winter running the rehearsal, but he's doing it with a thorny misshapen leg, a clawlike arm and a huge scaly monster head that stretches his fang-filled mouth out until it almost reaches his pointy Yoda-like ear.

• Being John Malkovich (1999) — Look at the back of the case, and you'll note that one of the special features is “A Page With Nothing On It.” Hmm. What could that be? Plug in the disc, and the bonus features menu includes one entry that states “Don't enter here, there is nothing here.”

If you ignore the warning and select it anyway, you'll see a blank background. In the middle of the screen appears the phrase “There is nothing here, press enter to return.”

Oh. Oh, I see. Sorry. You did warn me.

• Plastic Little (1994) — This nicely animated hour-long space adventure got a lot of attention due to the meticulous detail it put into bouncing female breasts. The DVD features a “jiggle counter” which, when activated, keeps track of how many times the ladies' boobies wobble.

• Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974) — There's an optional subtitle track “For People Who Don't Like the Film.” Instead of the actual text of the movie, you can read the text of Shakespeare's Henry IV, Part II. Plus, we get to see the “Camelot” dance number performed by Lego men. Brilliant!

• Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (1983) — Having used up all their inspiration in the previous entry, the Pythons fill this disc with the worst bonus material ever. Especially painful is “What Fish Think,” a virtual fish tank that mutters “hmm” and “I like being wet” while fish swim around. It plays for a full 15 minutes, and then loops. Rubbish!

• Showgirls: V.I.P. Edition (1995) — This limited edition box set attempts to capitalize on the audience that watches Showgirls specifically to make fun of it. The camp travesty comes boxed with a pair of shot glasses, a blindfold, a big nudie poster of Elizabeth Berkley, a pair of suction-cup tassels designed to adhere to said poster and the rules for various drinking games, including “Pin the pasties on the Showgirl.” There's also a brief audio commentary in which two real strippers try to explain what Berkley's doing wrong during her pole-dancing scene.