Tom Bagley

Choosing which fictional school to attend is an important decision. Does Wossamatta U offer the advanced course in monkey-style kickboxing that you want? Is Miskatonic University still infested with creatures from beyond time and space? These are the questions prospective students must be prepared to ask. Luckily, Video Vulture is here to simplify the process with this handy-dandy guide to cinematic scholastics, along with unbiased evaluations of each place of learning. Which fictional school is right for you?
    • Unnamed Chicago High School from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986):
    This traditional high school is conveniently located close to every single popular tourist destination in Chicago. Ideal for playing hooky.
    Cons: The most boring history lectures in the history of education.
    Pros: Truancy files can be hacked by an old Tandy TRS-80 computer; cartoonishly inept faculty incapable of foiling clever truants.
    Conclusion: Pleasant enough, if you take plenty of “sick days.”
    • Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters from X-Men (2000):
    One of the most exclusive institutions in existence — to get into Xavier’s, you have to be able to walk on water, literally. Or fly over it. Or freeze it, or assemble a bridge out of nitrogen molecules, or teleport across, or command the other side to come to you, or time-travel to before the water existed, or transform it into an obedient water monster, or….
    Cons: Ruthless acceptance criteria; being shunned by the outside world; after-school fights can get way out of hand; and that cute girl who sits in front of you in math class can read your thoughts and thinks you’re disgusting.
    Pros: Plenty of time off while the faculty battles Magneto; nifty costumes upon graduation; access to a fighter jet; extra credit for saving the universe.
    Conclusion: The ideal school for you if you can shoot lasers out your ears and don’t mind classmates who can dematerialize.
    • Spartan Institute of Higher Education from Kekko Kamen (1991):
    This institution is devoted to discipline. Discipline and bondage. Um, yeah. It’s that kind of school. The perverted faculty members (including a masked principal popularly known as “The Big Toenail of Satan”) tend to get carried away with keeping their female students in line and seem more interested in undressing and humiliating the ladies than actually providing an education. Fortunately, a pure-of-heart masked superheroine named Kekko Kamen is around to protect the students and chastise the corrupt principal. For reasons unclear, this mysterious crusader performs all of her feats of heroic derring-do without any clothes on.
    Cons: Evil faculty, unfair motivational techniques, school uniforms that rip to shreds for no reason.
    Pros: Access to a naked superheroine.
    Conclusion: Attendees are far more likely to find themselves in kinky BDSM scenarios than achieving an adequate GPA. Prospective students are therefore left to ponder the choice of attending Spartan based entirely on their own sexual proclivities.
    • Vince Lombardi High School, from Rock ’n’ Roll High School (1979):
    The Ramones are honourary students here. Corey Feldman’s claims of being an alumnus are still up for debate by the Board of Education.
    Cons: Cranky principal; slight dynamite damage.
    Pros: Access to The Ramones; much cooler than Disco High (which was going to be the film’s original title and concept).
    Conclusion: Applicants are encouraged to give generously to the Rebuild Vince Lombardi High fund.
    • Jimmy Wang Yu’s School of One-Armed Kung Fu, from Master of the Flying Guillotine (1975):
    This authentic Chinese Dojo comes with an invincible one-armed founder and instructor, and offers courses in advanced ass-kicking. Students might be asked to help the instructor cheat at various fights to the death. (Note found on bulletin board: “All students please assemble at the Fiery Shed of Doom as soon as possible. Pick up a spear from the equipment room on the way.”)
    Cons: “Master of the Flying Guillotine” isn’t an actual degree; students who can’t walk on a wicker basket without crushing it get scolded for their improper breathing technique.
    Pros: Courses in “Walking up walls and on ceilings” are offered; plenty of time off while instructor battles a vengeful blind monk with a portable decapitation device.
    Conclusion: Kung fu schools are notoriously dangerous places, but Jimmy’s dojo is unique in that it has a 100 per cent survival record. This is largely due to Jimmy’s policy of keeping the students out of harm’s way by abstaining from tournaments and closing down the school at the first sign of trouble. Plus, you’ll learn unsportsmanlike ways of defeating your opponents, such as rigging the arena with spring-loaded hatchets before a brawl. Parents, if your child is determined to learn kung fu and you want him to come home alive, enrol him in Jimmy’s dojo today!