Tomb

First call: Toxic movie helpline. John speaking.

“Uh… Hi there. Is this the number you call when you watch a really, really bad movie? And you think it might have a toxic effect on you?”

Yes sir. Have you been exposed to bad cinema?

“Yeah. I think so. Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007). You know, that CGI version.”

I see. I take it that there’s a child in the house?

“My daughter. It didn’t seem to affect her in any way, but I’m experiencing nausea.”

I’m not surprised. Is she there with you now?

“No, she’s in bed.”

Good, it’s better if she doesn’t see or hear this part. Sir, I’m going to recommend that you induce vomiting.

“Oh geez.”

I know, it’s unpleasant, but it’s the best way to get all that saccharine out of your system.

“OK. Uh, all right. So… how do I do this?”

How do you induce vomiting? The quickest way is to listen to the theme song again.

Second call:

Toxic movie helpline. John speaking.

“Hi John. My name’s Dave, and I just watched Love in the Time of Cholera (2007).”

You’re going to be OK, Dave. I’m going to walk you through this.

“Thanks, man. It was brutal.”

How are you feeling right now?

“Bored. Frustrated. Even thinking about this movie irritates me.”

Listen Dave, you need to take your mind off this movie, OK? Your boredom levels are dangerously high, so you’ll need to find some kind of exciting distraction that doesn’t make you think too much. Is there a decent action movie available where you are?

“I’ve got Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) on DVD.”

That’s perfect. Watch that, and you’ll be fine. And Dave, did you choose the movie tonight?

“No, uh… my girlfriend did.”

Tell her to let you pick the movie next time. You’ve earned it.

Third call:

Toxic movie helpline. John speaking.

“Oh man, I have just sat through the absolute worst movie in the world!”

It’s going to be OK, sir, I’m here to help.

“It’s like… I can’t even say how bad this was. Nothing made sense. It totally screwed up the characters from the comic boo —”

This is a comic book movie?

“Yeah, and it stunk. Whew!”

I understand, sir. What movie did you see?

“The Losers (2010). What a piece of—”

Are you serious? The Losers? That’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?

“Yeah dude, it was so, so, so—”

Sir, this helpline is for emergency use only.

“That’s why I’m calling! This movie was—”

Dude! Shut up for a second! What the hell’s wrong with you? This phone line is reserved for people suffering from serious movie-related trauma! I just spent 25 minutes helping somebody who watched Highlander II: The Quickening (1991) for the first time! And you’re whining about The Losers? Walk it off!

Call four:

Toxic movie helpline. John speaking.

“Hi John. Um, I’m not too sure if this is a bad movie or not, but I just watched Begotten (1991).”

Oh. Oh geez.

“And I’m not sure if I understood it really, or if it was just really deep, or—”

Begotten? That experimental black-and-white film, Begotten?

“Yeah.”

With God disembowelling Himself in the beginning. Well, and there’s no actual dialogue—

“That’s the one, yes.”

Holy hell. You watched that?

“Oh man, I knew I should have phoned you earlier. I thought maybe the movie was just too sophisticated and edgy for me.”

You’re going to be OK. Everything’s going to be… what’s your name?

“Sarah.”

You’re going to be fine, Sarah, you did the right thing. Don’t let this terrible movie bully you into thinking it’s too deep for you — that’s what it does. It makes you think you’re too literal-minded to understand a plotless, grainy 78-minute chunk of silent bullshit. You’re better than that, Sarah! That movie sucks, and you saw through it. Good for you, Sarah!

“Thank you.”

Now you’ve been exposed to almost zero sound, colour and movement, so the important thing is to get up, move around and let your senses start working again. Bite into a fresh pear, do some exercises, watch the autumn leaves fall; do stuff like that until the world looks normal again. And hang out with friends who won’t let you watch stuff like Begotten again. How did you wind up seeing that, if you don’t mind my asking?

“I’m trying to watch every movie in existence.”

Well, that explains it. Yeah, take a break.