Tomb

In Finland, swearing is an art. Finnish phrases such as hemligga hesfitton (secret horse p***y) and suksi vittuun (ski into a c**t) show a creative flair largely missing from the more conventional cuss words found in English. That said, movies have always endeavoured to expand our vulgar vocabularies with unusual insults, exclamations and turns of phrases that are unique and memorable. Here is a brief look at some notably original movie quotes, some obscene, some not. My own comments appear afterwards, in parentheses.

Oh, and just this once, I’ve taken the unusual measure of censoring words like f**k, s**t, a**hole, b***-lic**r, and qu***p**g*******inator. Not out of any kind of prudery, you understand; it just looks funnier. Anyway, let’s get on with the movie quotes, shall we?

· Doctor Detroit (1983). “I am going to rip off your head and s**t down your neck.”

(Is Doctor Detroit a real doctor? Because his bedside manner is awful.)

· Good Morning Vietnam (1987). “Sir, these letters are unequivocal. Uh... [reads] ‘Hey Hauk. Eat a bag of s**t. You suck.’ Now that’s pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one.”

(A similar letter reads “You suck the sweat off a dead man’s b***s.” Not much ambiguity there, either.)

· O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) “Shake a leg, Junior! Thank God your mammy died giving birth. If she’d have seen you, she’d have died of shame.”

(Ouch! Seriously ouch! And without swearing, even!)

· Safari 3000 (1982). “Feodor.... You know that I am fluent in 12 languages. Amongst all those noble and ancient tongues, there is but one solitary word that describes you with complete and total accuracy. Putz.”

(Spoken by the incomparable Christopher Lee to his useless henchman. It’s by far the best moment in a largely forgettable film.)

· Dodgeball (2004). “Will someone please catch a God damn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to f**k a doorknob out there!”

(...A doorknob?)

· Full Metal Jacket (1987). “I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f**k a person in the a** and not even have the God damn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.”

(R. Lee Ermey insults recruits like Mozart composes music.)

· Cool Runnings (1993) “You are the kind of club-toting, raw-meat-eating, Me-Tarzan-You-Jane-ing, big bald bubblehead that can only count to 10 if he’s barefoot or wearing sandals.”

(Who says Jamaicans are laid back?)

· Withnail & I (1987). “I feel like a pig shat in my head.”

(No, I refuse to censor the word “shat.” It is delightful.)

· The Nutty Professor (1996). “What’s wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here, Reggie! Your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your farts!”

(Fart anticipation is so rarely described in public.)

· South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999). “Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said ‘Eat penguin s**t, you a** spelunker.’”

(It’s the “spelunker” part that really stands out for me.)

· F3: Frantic, Frustrated and Female (1995). “Oh s**t! I’ve been t***y-f***ed by a man!”

(I decline to describe the circumstances surrounding this line.)

· King Lear (1983). “A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, 100-pound, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking whoreson; glass-gazing, super-serviceable, finical rogue, one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel b**ch!”

(Shakespeare really did it best, didn’t he?)