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What's the worst cinematic sword fight I've ever seen, you ask? That's easy. It’s the opening duel in Fugitive Samurai (1984). No question.

The only thing we want to see in a movie called Fugitive Samurai is swordplay, but it takes forever for somebody to draw a blade. When it does finally happen, it's for a painfully formal demonstration of skill performed in front of the Shogun of Japan: The two combatants unsheathe their katanas. They lock eyes with steely determination. And the suspense is terrific, as they each wait for their opponent to make the first move.

But then, they wait. And wait. And . . . wait.

For the first minute-and-a-half, this is genuinely gripping. Then it gets irritating. Then it gets dull. After about five minutes of snail-like circling, it's infuriating.

“Do something!” I yell, as I hurl popcorn at my TV in a vain attempt to knock these two non-combatants out of their holding pattern. But it’s all in vain. They just keep staring each other down, and easing sideways at a rate of one centimeter per year.

And then suddenly! The duel gets called off. What?

Apparently, our protagonist has sneakily maneuvered the evil swordsman into facing the Shogun himself; this shocking breach in etiquette immediately disqualifies the bad guy. Well played, Mr. Crafty McBoring of the Dull Brigade, but some of us actually wanted to see a sword fight.

What's most annoying, however, is that Fugitive Samurai is based on the same Lone Wolf and Cub graphic novels that spawned the legendary action flick Shogun Assassin (1980), which lies on the opposite end of the awesome spectrum. Shogun Assassin was edited together from two films, Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance (1972) and Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart at the River Styx (1972), while Fugitive Samurai was pieced together from episodes from a TV series. Shogun Assassin races through bloody action set pieces with nary a whiff of filler, while Fugitive Samurai seems to have had all traces of excitement edited out of it.

For example, in Shogun Assassin, the hero pushes his infant son around in a homemade baby carriage filled with secret weapons — it’s a signature feature of the story. We get to see the various dart shooters and spring-loaded blades in action many times. On the other hand, in Fugitive Samurai, the only time we see these ingenious devices is when they fall out onto the ground after bad guys find the unattended cart and break it. Yawn.

But lamest aside, let's check out the most awesome sword fight of all time. Naturally, I'm referring to the climax of Tiger on Beat (1988). Hero Conan Lee finds his girlfriend tied to a beam in the ceiling of a big warehouse, and races up a ladder to save her. Suddenly, bad guy Gordon Liu (of Kill Bill fame) appears, slicing off of the top of ladder. Conan grabs his own weapon, and the two go at it hammer and tongs, swinging and parrying their heavy blades with incredible speed and agility.

Did I mention that these guys are using huge fucking chainsaws instead of swords? Huge. Fucking. Chainsaws.

It's incredible. Glancing blows shred clothing. Missed swings destroy furniture and throw sparks off of metal handrails. Every inanimate object within reach gets destroyed. And the fighters really look like they're trying to kill each other. These chainsaws are big, noisy and real, and on more than one occasion the fighters look like they just about lose control of the twitchy things completely.

Yipe! Now that’s a sword fight done right.