Tomb

Whatever kind of cinematic experience Cowboys and Aliens (2011) turns out to be, you’ve got to admire the stripped-down simplicity of its title. What are we going to see in this movie? Simple. We’re going to see cowboys and aliens. If that prospect fails to appeal, you just aren’t the target demographic.

Not every movie is this straightforward, title-wise. Cowboys have actually fought advanced, ray-gun equipped civilizations before in the unintentionally hilarious cliffhanger serial The Phantom Empire (1935), but the producers missed the chance to name their epic Cowboys versus Robots. This week, Video Vulture looks at some tantalizing but made-up film titles, along with the real films that these fake titles could actually apply to.

Made-up title #1: Transformers versus Thundercats!

For audiences who grew up with 1980s toy commercials — er, I mean cartoons, this here is the Holy Grail. Big clunky robots battling it out with ridiculous cat-people. Plucky, anthropomorphic felines bellowing war cries before launching themselves at their clanking attackers.

Sounds familiar? It should. That’s how the final battle of a little film called Avatar (2009) played out. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.

Made-up title #2: Cowboys versus Dracula

Vampires have bedevilled the wild west in films like Bloodrayne II: Deliverance (2007) and Billy the Kid vs. Dracula (1966), but the formula goes back farther than that. In a 1959 film, the American frontier is menaced by a vampiric gunslinger who is immune to gunfire. After learning that the town villain is actually a bloodsucker, the ever-practical protagonist shrugs his shoulders and starts making crucifix-tipped bullets for his six-shooter. The actual movie title? Curse of the Undead (1959).

Made-up title #3: Beavis and Butthead versus the Living Dead

If the slacker protagonists of Shaun of the Dead (2004) were too sharp-witted for your taste, we’ve got good news. There’s another zombie comedy, in which the heroes are a pair of complete doofuses — they make Simon Pegg and Nick Frost look like sophisticated geniuses. A soft drink containing a biological warfare agent kicks off the zombie apocalypse, but shiftless mall employees Woody Invincible and Crazy Bee (Jordan Chan and Sam Lee, respectively) barely notice. Instead, they bicker, try to get laid and pick fights with the asshole who runs the jewelry store. The film is Bio-Zombie (1998), and it’s about 70 per cent wacky comedy, 30 per cent serious zombie film. And it’s definitely 100 per cent worth your time.

Made-up title #4: Fundamentalist Christians versus the Bloodsucking Lycanthropic Turkey Monster

Actually known as Blood Freak (1972), and yes, it’s a real movie. A biker named Hershcell (Steve Hawkes) eats an entire turkey too soon after smoking marijuana, and is transformed into a hideous blood-drinking turkey monster! (Actually a papier-mâché turkey mask appears over his face, and a “gobble-gobble” sound effect appears on the soundtrack.) Several gory murders ensue, until the lad is saved by the power of prayer. The whole story is narrated by a sleazy guy with a pencil moustache, who rails against the evils of substance abuse while constantly smoking cigarettes. His final speech is interrupted by his own ridiculously long coughing fit.