Tomb

Huh. It turns out that ClerkDogs can be trained.

Back in December, a still-evolving new website appeared called ClerkDogs.com. The point of the site is to provide movie rental recommendations made by real flesh-and-blood former video store clerks. You type in a film title, and get a page full of recommended movies. For example, inputting the classic post-apocalyptic action flick The Road Warrior (1982) will give you hand-picked recommendations of several similarly high-octane roller-coaster rides like Escape from New York (awesome!), Doomsday (awesome!) and A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. (aweso... wait. What?!)

I was intrigued by the premise and promise of ClerkDogs.com. Sure, the site barely functioned and only covered crime movies when it first appeared. Sure, lots of the recommendations were either obvious or baffling. Sure, this is just one more excuse for people to never actually talk to one another face-to-face again. It's still pretty cool and has terrific potential.

Then I typed in Miller's Crossing (1990), one of my all-time favourite films, and got a recommendation for Mad Dog Time (a.k.a. Trigger Happy) (1996), and I blew a gasket.

I wound up raking the site over the coals in these pages a few weeks ago, mostly because of Mad Dog Time.

This week, out of idle curiosity, I checked out ClerkDogs.com again, and found it drastically improved. A team of dedicated and intelligent people are clearly working hard on getting the site to where it needs to be, and the difference is quite dramatic. New features have been introduced, old features work better and the site has become fun to use.

Best of all, that fucking stupid Mad Dog Time suggestion got removed! You wouldn't believe what a difference that made! In fact, Mad Dog Time has been deleted from the site's database completely! Yipeee! The only drawback to this glorious deletion is that you used to be able to lie to ClerkDogs and tell it that you actually (shudder) liked Mad Dog Time, and ClerkDogs would respond with zero suggestions, like it didn't know how to deal with such a disturbed individual. That was pretty funny. Still, it's a small price to pay. ClerkDogs.com has officially turned up the good and turned down the suck.

Now unlike some critics, I don't actually want Mad Dog Time to be annihilated from the face of the Earth; I just don't want it to be recommended to people who like good movies. Viewers who get a buzz out of the Coen brothers’ Dashiell Hammett-inspired dialogue aren't going to be knocked out by lines like “Vic is a sick prick, Mick.” You just don't suggest one of the worst crime films of all time to fans of one of the best. In fact, the only reason I don't call Mad Dog Time the worst crime film ever made is because Ed Wood made one, called Jail Bait (1954). In that film, a climactic scene in which a corpse is discovered in a hallway closet is rendered ludicrous by Wood's decision to use a shower curtain as a closet door. Come to think of it, I think I'd rather watch Jail Bait.

Speaking of terrible movies, the notorious 1985 splatter-fest Demons will be getting a rare theatrical screening at the Plaza Theatre at 9:30 p.m. on Thursday, April 2. This extremely gory B-movie is about a bunch of goopy, clawed devils attacking people in a movie theatre, so watching it in its intended venue is bound to enhance the experience. Just be sure not to get any cuts or injuries, ’cuz that's how the demons get you. Bwa ha ha!