Tomb

When you buy a DVD, you're not just getting a disc. There's a whole bunch of other stuff bundled in there that you didn't ask for. Some DVD packages contain toys. (A ninja throwing star! Woohoo!) Others contain extra movies you don't really want. (When am I ever going to watch Robocop 3?) Then there's the regular stuff, like:

• Cellophane: A lot of people complain about how hard it is to remove this tightly applied shrink wrap and I usually rip it off as soon as I get home with my purchase (damaging the box in the process), but I'm still kind of glad it's there, indicating that my movie is brand new and factory fresh. It's like an unspoken guarantee that nobody has opened the box and licked the disc.

• Stickers: These colorful, eye-catching little decals look good, but since they're affixed to the shrink wrap, they get ripped off and forgotten almost immediately. I've discarded loads of these things and I can't recall what a single one of them said.

• Security tape: To some DVD manufacturers, shrink wrap isn't enough. You've got to seal the top of the box with a strip of safety tape, just to be sure. All this does is add an extra step between you and an open box. Some companies put it on every single edge of the box, apart from the spine. Now that is one secure DVD. Next, they'll be welding the damn thing shut.

• Anti-theft devices: Those freaky little plastic bars inside the case actually have a function. They'll set off the store's alarm system if you try to walk out without paying. Actually, I'm kind of glad this is in here, because it cuts down on shoplifting, keeping the sticker prices low without turning stores into high -ecurity fortresses in which all of the merchandise is behind glass and you need permission to look at it.

• A lobby card with a chapter list on the back: Huh. OK. I guess I could frame the card, or stick it on the fridge, or decorate my cubicle. I gotta say, though, that chapter listing doesn't seem that useful. So, Chapter 11 is called “A Metaphysical Can of Worms,” is it? Can't wait for that one. Do people really use this list to navigate a film?

“Wow, Martha, Highlander sure is a lot stupider than I remember it. Shall we skip ahead to the next sword fight?”

“Sure, Charles. Oh! I know! I'll consult the chapter list on this little card! Let's see... how about Chapter 8, 'Clash of steel'? That one sounds like it's probably a sword fight.”

“Damn it woman, why must you complicate things? I'll just keep hitting the skip button until I see someone getting beheaded.”

“Charles, I'm leaving you.”

• Expired coupons: I usually wait until a DVD is on sale before buying it, so my coupons are always expired. I think that's how they know when to drop the price in the first place. Hey, works for me. I'd rather have $7 off the price tag than a coupon for... let's see here... 20 per cent off a genuine Vin Diesel action figure. Cool! I wonder if they'll still accept this?

• Slipcase: This weird piece of packaging looks good, but adds yet another step between you and an open DVD case. It's a slick cardboard box, open on one end, and your movie is mounted on some kind of origami thing that slides out of it. Half of the time, there's a hole cut out of the front and the main character peeks out at you through the hole, from the artwork on the interior packaging. That's if you insert the inner part correctly. If you get it wrong, the hole will show you a blank space, or a dude's elbow, or the name of the key grip or something.

• “Collectible” booklet: I know that lots of my DVDs contain booklets, but for the life of me, I can't remember which ones, or what's printed on any of them. I'll try to find one right now. Hold on a sec.

OK, here's one, inside Jackie Brown (1997). Oh hey, there's a poster in here too! Maybe I should add posters to this list. Well, let's see what this booklet says... Oh my God, the introduction is signed by Elmer Fudd! How is that even possi...oh wait, it's not Elmer Fudd, it's Elmore Leonard. That makes way more sense. Never mind.