Tomb

After watching Disney’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010), I’ve come to the conclusion that Nicolas Cage should never, ever play a wizard. Some actors have a knack for this sort of thing; Christopher Lee was born to flare his nostrils, and when he bellows warnings at some punk-ass kid for, you know, daring to interfere with eldritch forces your feeble mind cannot possibly comprehend, we tend to believe him.

But then, there are actors who can make a staff of infinite power look like a twig found in a ditch. Alas, Cage is in the latter category. Now, I’ve enjoyed Nic in some terrific movies over the years — Lord of War, Red Rock West and Raising Arizona, to name a few — but as a marble-mouthed wizard, he just seems completely wrong. A good wizard has to love words. Spells are typically spoken, so clear pronunciation is vital. E-nun-ci-ate. Roll those “r”s. A deep, booming voice or a ridiculously shrill one wouldn’t hurt, either.

Instinctively, we all know how a wizard should look: A commanding presence. A piercing gaze. The ability to wear a silver skullcap (or a kaftan) without looking ridiculous. There are many, many actors better suited to playing sorcerers than Cage. And here are a few.

Sirs Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee. Knighted actors make the best wizards. Once a monarch has tapped you with a sword, pronouncing you as a lifelong “sir,” you are already psychologically closer to being an all-powerful spell-caster than most of us will ever be.

Richard E. Grant. He’s tall, he’s British, he’s got a great voice and I’m pretty sure that his eyes can actually fire laser beams. So, why the hell hasn’t he played a wizard yet? The closest he’s come was his role as a witch hunter who chased around evil warlock Julian Sands in Warlock (1989). Which reminds me…

Julian Sands. See above.

Laurence Fishburne. Check out Larry’s performance as Morpheus in The Matrix (1999). He’s patient, controlled, virtually infallible. Explaining mind-bending truths about reality is second nature to this guy.

Tilda Swinton. She’s the female Richard E. Grant. ’Nuff said.

James Earl Jones. Remember Conan the Barbarian (1982)? Sure, Jones’s evil cult leader looked really weird with blue contact lenses and a Cher wig. Didn’t matter though, because, well, he’s the voice of Darth Vader.

Jeremy Irons. Now here’s a brilliant actor who — whoops, wait a second. Jeremy Irons played a wizard in Dungeons & Dragons (2000), and he was terrible. It was the absolute nadir of his acting career. Um… forget I mentioned it. Please.

All of the actors who have played Doctor Who. Yep, all of them. Even Mr. Bean.

Alan Rickman. The makers of the Harry Potter movies knew that we wanted to see this guy play a spell caster ever since Die Hard (1988).

John Cleese. When I mention John Cleese, do you think of: a. The Ministry of Silly Walks; b. Tim the Enchanter; or c. his current not-funny-anymore-and-doesn’t-really-care incarnation? In any case, a better choice than Nicolas Cage. Not that it’s hard, or anything.

Nathan Lane. I’m totally serious. He’d be awesome.

Neil Patrick Harris. OK, I started this out as a joke, but the more I think about it, the better it sounds. Doogie Howser as a reality-manipulating archmage? Blasting orcs with lightning bolts while laughing and shouting in blank verse? Sign me up!