I don’t know guys, this is going to be tough. Reel Talk generally tries to keep things positive because, generally speaking, I really like movies. Otherwise why would I be writing about them every week? But man, this week’s new releases sure do look awful. I don’t want to tell anybody what to do, but you should probably just go see The Hunger Games again. Or maybe help my man Tim Riggins out and go see John Carter.

Maybe I’m wrong and there are hordes of ancient greek mythology fanatics out there who have been clamouring for a sequel to Clash of the Titans. And maybe, for some reason, they wanted that sequel’s title to basically sound phonetically identical to that of the first film.

No, I’m just playing. Of course those people don’t exist. I’ve scoured the darkest depths of online fanboy culture this week and there’s nobody getting particularly excited for Wrath of the Titans. It’s not because Clash of the Titans was a particularly awful movie, it’s just because Clash of the Titans was completely and utterly forgettable.

In fact, the only thing the film is remembered for is offering irrefutable evidence that post-production 3D conversion was a bad idea. Clash of the Titans was released a couple months after Avatar and Warner Brothers wanted to capitalize on the 3D craze. But once the film hit screens, the 3D combined with its dark colour palette and quick cuts made it virtually unwatchable.

So why make a sequel? I can only assume it’s because the studio was contractually obligated. And I’m not here to argue with the law, because hell, the law’s there for a reason in my opinion — although seriously, that Florida “stand your ground” law is trash — but if you’re looking for my opinion (and I assume you are), the law sucks if it means hundreds of millions of dollars are spent on a sequel to a movie nobody liked in the first place.

And look, maybe there’s a million stories to tell about Perseus, the demigod single-father doing his best to raise a son on a fisherman’s salary. I’ve never lived in ancient Greece, but I’m sure that once you’ve slain a Kraken that’s not an easy life to settle into. It’s tough being a fisherman these days, and I’m sure it was tough back then. I totally sympathize. But that doesn’t mean I need to see two movies about it. I didn’t need one. And that’s why I never saw Clash of the Titans.

Wrath of the Titans is about something. I’ve tried to figure out what, but I’ll be damned if I succeeded. Apparently the gods are losing their power because humans have stopped believing in them and some jerk unleashes hell on earth because what else are you going to do if a bunch of idiot mortals stop devoting themselves to the gods. Perseus the fisherman has to embark on one quest or another and try to save mankind or something like that.

Honestly, the plot doesn’t matter. All that matters is that a bunch of monsters fight. So if you are into that sort of thing and are the one person in North America other than me who already saw John Carter, then I guess there’s a movie that appeals to your sensibilities. Good for you.

With all that being said, if you somehow end up at a theatre that is only showing this weekend’s two new releases (and nothing else) you’d better hope Wrath of the Titans still has tickets left because Mirror Mirror looks terrible. In fact, it looks like the worst movie I’ve had to write about since I started doing Reel Talk.

The trailer is mostly made up of one-liners delivered by Julia Roberts about how she’s getting old. And what the hell Hollywood, are you kidding me? Julia Roberts looks like she’s twenty-damned-five. She does not have wrinkles. She is still exceptionally thin. She shows absolutely no signs of aging whatsoever. I’m sure I should be suspending my disbelief and all that, but even in a movie about magic princesses and talking mirrors a guy’s got to have his limitations.

In an effort to say something positive about Mirror Mirror I guess I should note that it’s nice to see Nathan Lane getting work. But that’s not true. I don’t really care if Nathan Lane is getting work at all. I have nothing good to say about Mirror Mirror.