Due to unforeseen circumstances at his new job, our beloved Reel Talk-er Danny Austin is no longer able to contribute to Fast Forward Weekly. As much as we loved his work — and his ability to make any article about either Blade 2 or the Step Up franchise — we don’t want to let this column go. It’s just too fun to talk about movies without actually seeing them. We wish Danny the best and will continue to, er, Step Up with a new Reel Talk each week.

Things are looking pretty bleak at the theatres this Friday. I began this week’s column with a long-winded diatribe on Gangster Squad, and Warner Bros.’ misguided steps towards self-censorship, only to realize that the release date posted on Calgary Movies was fucking wrong, so I had to start over. So this week’s kick in the nuts goes to Bradley Cooper and The Words.

Cooper stars as Rory, a struggling writer who finds a discarded manuscript in an antique store, and passes it off as his own. It suddenly becomes the next great American novel, and he finds himself loved and respected, especially by super-hot wife Zoe Saldana. (Who looks exactly like Thandie Newton — whatever happened to her?) His reckoning comes in the form of a grizzled Jeremy Irons, who appears to be either the author of the stunning novel, or a magical homeless man intent on exposing him because, well, someone has to. (The trailer doesn’t make this clear.) Dennis Quaid is in there somewhere too, sporting his trademark “dad’s disappointed” look.

Though Cooper’s sleazy charm worked in the two Hangover flicks, the films proved to be, like they did for the rest of the cast, a deal with the devil — firmly type-casting everyone for eternity. (See how Zach Galifianakis has gone from beardo indie comedian to this generation’s Chris Farley in a few short years.)

Even if The Words turns out to be a dud, the role is a good choice for Cooper. He’s easy to hate, though that’s often due to him relying on his default acting “style,” an annoying, blasé type of smugness (which maybe he’s mistaking for aloofness).

With upcoming flicks like The Place Beyond the Pines (co-starring dreamboat Breaker High alumnus Ryan Gosling), and the new David O. Russell project, it looks like he’s trying to shake the leading man glossiness that made him the go-to guy for godawful romantic comedies like All About Steve and Valentine’s Day. That is, of course, until director Todd Phillips completes his mouth-breather trilogy with the long-awaited Hangover 3.

There’s also The Cold Light of Day, which looks like the occasionally awesome, straight-to-video action nonsense your dad likes, starring Henry Cavill (set to play Superman in Zach Snyder’s upcoming Man of Steel) as a, uh, “business consultant” whose family goes missing while on vacation. He has, I dunno, let’s say… 10 hours to get a mysterious briefcase into the hands of the kidnappers, or his family dies. Meanwhile, his dad, a CIA agent played by big baby-looking Bruce Willis, is there to offer support and kick ass.

It mostly looks like an excuse for rich people to hang out in Spain, but who knows — it could be a nifty action flick, and it features the always-welcome Sigourney Weaver, who’s been popping up in supporting roles all over the place lately, just for the hell of it. Go Ripley! IMDb says its rating has risen 14,657 per cent, which is the kind of hilariously nonsensical statistic that makes the Internet so great and useless.

If action’s not your fancy, you can check out something called Bachelorette, which stars Kirsten Dunst, and is about a bridal shower and a bunch of other stupid shit.