It’s Hollywood’s biggest night. A three-and-a-half hour, writer’s-strike ending self-congratulatory wank-fest, where the beautiful and famous duke it out for cinema’s greatest honour. What could be more self-important than the Oscars? How about awards for the awards show itself?

• Worst Oscar pre-show: eTalk. Ben Mulroney embarrasses himself every time he opens his mouth, and as my wife pointed out when Jeannie Becker joined the red carpet, “No woman of that age should show that much cleavage.”

• Best (and by best, I mean shortest) acceptance speech: Alexandra Byrne took home the award for best costume design for Elizabeth: The Golden Age and barely said a word. That’s how every non-prestige award-winner should be.

• Best special effect: The four visual effects techs that won for The Golden Compass actually completed their speeches before Bill Conti brought up the music. Nice work.

• Worst performance by an Oscar winner: Last year’s best supporting actress Jennifer Hudson’s complete inability to sell even the simplest of teleprompter lines was mind-blowingly awkward.

• Most apropos moment: As Karen Baker Landers was dying while accepting her Oscar for best sound editing, she called for her own exit music cue.

• Best indie rock moment: “Falling Slowly” from Once taking the best original song Oscar. It was the coolest song at the Oscars since Elliot Smith was nominated for Good Will Hunting.

• Most chivalrous moment: After best original song winner Marketa Irglova got a pre-emptive exit cue from the orchestra, host Jon Stewart brought her back out to finish her acceptance speech. Class act.

• The “red is the new black” award for fashion excellence: The carpet wasn’t the only red thing at this year’s Oscars. Anne Hathaway, Katherine Heigel, Miley Cyrus, Helen Mirren and even Suzie Templeton (the winner for best animated short) hit the Oscars in bright red evening gowns.

• Coldest shoulder: As the audience went wild for Heath Ledger in the patented “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscars, some viewers were left wondering, what about Brad Renfro?

THE REAL WINNERS

• Best Picture: No Country for Old Men

• Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men

• Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis, There Will be Blood

• Best Actress: Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose

• Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men

• Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

• Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, Juno

• Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men