Wil Andruschak

Cliff Erasmus of the Centre for Inquiry Calgary says it’s atheists’ turn to ‘express what we think and feel.’ Also maybe present but not pictured in this photo: God

In an extremely rare media appearance, the mysterious spiritual entity called God has weighed in on the controversial transit ads that question His existence.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference downtown, the Almighty said He’s pleased with the ad campaign and doesn’t understand why some of His followers are upset by it. “People are discussing Me — or the lack of Me, I guess — in a reasonable, respectful way,” said a heavily bearded God, who’s also known as Allah, Yahweh and thousands of other names. “What’s wrong with that?”

The atheistic Freethought Association of Canada hopes that in March, its ads will grace Calgary Transit buses. The ads, originally launched in the U.K. earlier this year, read: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

Cliff Erasmus, local organizer for the Calgary campaign, points out that religious people often use signs to communicate their message. “As non-believers, we feel that it’s our turn to express what we think and feel,” says Erasmus, executive chair for the Centre for Inquiry Calgary. “This is our way of getting the communication going and saying, ‘OK, we want to show you that we are one species, humanity, and that’s what counts.’ At the end of the day, we all have to share this planet and live here together, and try and do it peacefully without killing one another.”

While God said He’s generally not a fan of using advertising to proselytize (“those church signs are an embarrassment to Me,” He grumbled), He criticized religious leaders like Catholic Bishop Fred Henry who are offended by the atheist ads. “The bishop wants to defend Me,” said God. “I’m touched. But here’s a newsflash: it’s pretty hard to prove My existence one way or the other. I generally like to keep people guessing about Me. And you know what? That’s OK.”

When reporters pointed out that God had more or less proved His existence by making Himself available to media, He flew into a holy rage and fired lightning bolts around the room, killing one scribe. “Christ!” said a visibly shaken God, angrily addressing His Son as the scalded reporter slumped to the floor, dead. “I told you a press conference was a bad idea.” Jesus wept.

After Christ had calmed His Father and raised the fallen reporter from the dead — “reminds me of old times,” Jesus said wistfully — God noted that often, people who are completely convinced of His existence are aggressive and “generally unpleasant” to be around. “Frankly, they give Me a bad name,” said God. “At least these ads are getting people thinking about My true nature.”

Rev. Drew Strickland, a minister at Calgary’s Knox United Church, says the ads have sparked a valuable conversation. “On a very surface level, I don’t agree with [the ad’s message],” he says. “But just go one level down, and then I’m getting interested.” Strickland says many people hold an “old school” image of God as a judgmental old male with a long, grey beard — a view he says is “out of date” and needs challenging. “The kind of God that you have been taught about or believe in probably does not exist,” Strickland says. “And so therefore… the statement’s probably right, when you do it in that context.” The United Church of Canada has launched an ad campaign of its own that reprints the words from the atheist ad but adds a second possibility: “There’s probably a God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

Meanwhile, God handed out Gideon Bibles at his news conference, deadpanning: “Here’s My press release” before making like Bilbo Baggins and suddenly vanishing. As reporters looked confusedly at each other, everyone was left wondering if the old man they saw was actually God — or if indeed they’d seen anyone at all.