If I were a dry, stodgy critic, I’d describe a slow jam as a “downtempo R&B or hip hop track containing themes of love, sex or both.” If I were a douchebag, I would call it “music to get mad rutty to.” Because I’m a bit of both, I’m going to describe it as “a musical genre created by and for man-children with crippling attachment issues that girls appreciate you putting on before sexual contact so they have something else to concentrate on.” Below are the top five slow jam tracks from this decade that most honestly epitomize the subgenre. Enjoy.

• “Whatever you like” by TI (2008): I can't listen to this song without thinking of Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. TI's dopily sweet tribute to a vaguely defined second party struggles to find effective modes of expression beyond “droppin' stacks” on his sweetheart and paying her awkward compliments, just as Lennie fails to express himself in ways that don't involve too-heavy petting. Though the music video already has its own kind of tragic ending, I offer an improvement: A scene where TI asks his lover, with moon-eyed earnestness, if she could describe the farm they'll own together one day. Then she reassures him through her controlled sobs, slowly bringing the gun to rest on the back of his head. Consider the gauntlet thrown down.

Sample Lyrics: “Shawty you the hottest/ Love the way you drop it/ Brain so good swore you went to college/ Honey can't deposit vacations in the tropic.”

• “I'll do anything” by 50 Cent (2009): Though the title makes it seem like Fiddy is about to reveal his softer side, the first line (“This song is for the bitches”) immediately dispels any pretenses of sweetness. And it gets better from there.

Sample Lyrics: “I do a lot, bitch!” and “You should be in fucking love with me!” and then finally “You must be on your period or something, right? Comin' at me with that bullshit.”

• “Into you” by Fabulous (2003): Read this sample lyric, then add a creepily breath-whispered “forever.” Now do it again, but this time imagine it's Him from Twilight rapping this ever-so-sensuously in your ear. Yeah. Ew.

Sample lyrics: “As long as when I slide up in you, you growl/ And any dude with you, he better be a kin of you now/ And I ain’t jealous, it's the principle now/ I'm so into you.”

• “Fucking” by David Banner (2005): Someone tried to explain to David Banner what “innuendo” was once, but he didn't like their tone, so he touched their spine with his dick. But in the bad way.

Sample lyrics: “Girl gonna lose your mind/ Let my dick touch ya’ spine/ Cum four or five times/ Southside bump and grind.”

• “Song Cry” by Jay Z (2001): Though one of the things I love about hip hop music is the shameless abandon with which it embraces its own stereotypes (see above), what I love even more about it is the fact that, occasionally, an artist manages to acknowledge the clichés of the genre and still produce something genuinely heartfelt and honest. Though it’s dressed in the same indefatigable posture as any Jay Z song, “Song Cry” is ultimately about how the expressive potential of music is at odds with the inherent machismo of hip hop.

Sample lyrics: “Though I can't let you know it, pride won't let me show it/ Pretend to be heroic, that's just one to grow with/ ...Can't see ’em comin’ down my eyes/ So I got to make the song cry.”