Few things go together better than music and sex. Whether it’s the squeal of the sax in a cheesy bit of soft-core or the seductive stutters of the needle-in-the-groove as club-goers engage in a bit of primitivism, there’s a rock-hard association between good songs and sexy times.
Nothing ever starts off perfectly, though. With all the pressure that comes with that first fling at fornication, chances are some of the more important aspects will be ignored (not all of us had the foresight to put Appetite for Destruction on the stereo). A selection of Fast Forward’s more forthcoming writers have plumbed the depths of their regrets to present an answer to that age-old question— if you could lose your virginity again, which song would you do it to?
“Do That to Me One More Time” — Captain and Tennille
The first song that springs to mind is the big hit from Captain and Tennille’s 1979 album Make Your Move. The appearance of this album gave new meaning to the phrase “highly anticipated release.” The pop ballad’s central lyric, “once is never enough with a man like you,” brings to mind a statistic recently quoted in Penthouse magazine that marks the record for the most orgasms enjoyed by a woman in one hour to be 134, while the male record is 16. Apparently, Tori Tennille was onto something.
In addition to being the only other C&T song anyone can recall (well, that and the reassuring “Love Will Keep Us Together”), this sexually charged soft-rock standard also carries the distinction of being the disco duo’s lone hit on the Casablanca label. Ironically, the songs that preceded and succeeded “DTTMOMT” on the top of the Billboard charts would have served the same purpose just as well — “Rock with You” by Michael Jackson and Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”
CHRISTINE LEONARD
“We Tigers” — Animal Collective
If I could play my V-card again, I would love to have Animal Collective’s “We Tigers” blaring in the background, because that song turns me into a jungle beast like no other. Of course, “We Tigers” came out two years after I first cashed in my chips, and it’s only two minutes, 43 seconds long, so it would have to be on loop. Oh, who am I kidding? Back then, the length would probably have been perfect.
JESSE LOCKE
“You Suffer… But Why?” — Napalm Death
A sultry, drawn out R&B ballad would be great, but few songs befit the sordid, awkward fumbling my partner would endure. A whopping seven seconds long (probably besting me by a good three count), “You Suffer… But Why?” is a raging blast of testosterone that promises more than it actually delivers. The title itself is the song’s sole lyric, which reads like what the unlucky recipient of my amorous intentions would hear from her best friend after recounting the debacle.
KEITH CARMAN
“Rusted Gun of Milan” — Art Brut
Though most men would prefer not to be reminded of erectile dysfunctions while nervously applying a condom for the first time, Eddie Argos’s tale of tail gone awry is actually a perfect song to lose it to. No matter how awkward the proceedings, they’re probably not as bad as what Argos is going through. On the off chance they are, he kindly offers ready-made lines for the suddenly impotent, like, “It’s fine when I am with my own hand” and “Don’t tell your friends!”
GARTH PAULSON
“What Stays” — Air Traffic Control
After starting at full speed and not stopping for a solid two minutes and 20 seconds, how could Air Traffic Control possibly top their already perfect summation of the virgin experience? Lyrics about blissful ignorance and abandoning expectations are a good start. The plodding, mechanical beat is a great beginner’s soundtrack. And, just as “What Stays” really starts to get to the bottom of what it’s doing, it’s over. This is losing your virginity, in the form of a song.
NATHAN ATNIKOV
Various songs — Various artists
The soundtrack to the original experience was provided by AM radio, thus the song was Dire Straights’ “Sultans of Swing” (yes, I do enjoy my seniors’ discount, thank you). Travesty! If I could turn back time… but to which first time? Don’t we all keep on losing it? Isn’t she not busy being born just busy dying?
Virgin kiss — The Who’s “Love Ain’t for Keeping” (and it ain’t for giving, neither)
• Virgin oral — Pretenders’ “Tattooed Love Boys” (“I shot my mouth off and you showed me what that hole…”)
• Virgin penetration — Lucinda Williams’s “Come On” (You couldn’t even make me come… on)
• Virgin anal — Lost and Profound’s “(I’m Not Above Being an) Asshole” (“Get me out of here right away.”)
• Virgin gay — The Rolling Stones’ “Bitch” (But god, she was beautiful…)
• Virgin threesome — Iggy Pop’s “Search and Destroy” (Basically what the experience does to the relationship.)
• Virgin foursome — Royal Trux’s “A Night to Remember” (OK, still waiting, but we can dream, can’t we?)
• Virgin soul – Bob Dylan’s “Positively 4th Street” (For when you get screwed all over.)
MARY-LYNN WARDLE
