Dear Nickelback,

Hey guys, how's it hangin? I just finished listening to your new album, Dark Horse. To be completely honest, it's been awhile since I've listened to any of your songs non-accidentally, but even though there was a point where our musical tastes diverged — and frankly, it was pretty early on — I always figured we'd maintain a sort of kinship. We're all native Albertans, right? We know the pain and frustration of going to Vancouver or Toronto and talking to countrymen who operate under the assumption that people from our home province are bigoted, misogynistic rednecks, right? It's a tough cross to bear and we all bear it together.

And that's why I was so delighted by Dark Horse’s lead track, "Something In Your Mouth.” You know, being a massively successful, multi-platinum selling, lowest-common-denominator cock-rock band from Alberta, it would be easy to stray down the path of crude innuendo, but you guys take the high road. When Chad Kroeger tears through gems like "The way you swing/ And tease them all by sucking on your thumb/ You're so much cooler when you never pull it out/ Cause you look so much cooler/ With something in your mouth," it really resonates. People of the world, if you think dudes from Alberta are all about pickup trucks or hanging big plastic nuts off our pickup trucks, or stuffing our cocks into the mouths of our women, you're totally out to lunch. That's not what we're about. We are totally the opposite of that. We defy logic — like in the fuck-a-holic anthem "Next Go Round," when Chad sings "Slap John Deere across my ass and ride me up and down the lawn." It doesn't need to be remotely coherent to sell five million records.

But Nickelback, what really sells me on you guys is the fact that you're still milking the same formula as you were when you started douche-bagging it up almost a decade ago. You're so robust and resilient! Six albums in, you guys are still bringing the hits. Your anthemic bangers literally recycle decade-old No Fear slogans. Your kick-ass power ballads tug at our heartstrings and remind us that there's "Gotta Be Somebody" — presumably somebody who never "pulls it out."

Anyways, awesome job Nickelback! Oh, and I wouldn't worry about the fact that your album has garnered largely abysmal reviews — most of those were probably from mincing little queers who don't understand what it's like to be a real man.