“I’m telling you, man, you’ve got to see this movie!”
“Oh? Why?”
“Because it’s awesome! The guy from Shaolin Soccer is in it. Didja ever see Shaolin Soccer?”
“No.”
“Well, the same guy’s in this one. Only there’s no soccer in it. In fact, he squashes a soccer ball and says ‘No more soccer!’ Ha!”
“I see. Very witty.”
“And he tries to start a fight in this cruddy tenement because his brother’s haircut was too good, only he’s scared to fight any of the guys who live there, because even the kids and old ladies can kick his ass. There’s one part where he’s running away from the landlady, who’s like this dumpy broad with curlers in her hair, and his legs are pumping at a zillion miles an hour, like in a Road Runner cartoon, and he looks at one of the knives sticking out of his shoulder, and sees the reflection of her gaining on him.”
“Uh... knives?”
“Yeah, he’s got three knives sticking out of his shoulder from when he tried to assassinate the landlady and screwed up. And a snake bit his lip!”
“....”
“Anyways, it’s hilarious. You’ve got to see it!”
“No, I don’t.”
For fans of offbeat cinema, it’s a familiar problem. Certain films are just impossible to describe. Awesome though it may be, the charms of Kung Fu Hustle (2004) aren’t easy to put into words, as you can see by the above example. A better approach is to show people a quick glimpse of the movie in question. Plunking your friends in front of a computer to watch online trailers is one approach, but it isn’t the only option. If you’re having a tough time describing Godzilla’s hilarious bouncing victory dance in Monster Zero (1965), why not whip out a handheld video-capable device and let the scene speak for itself?
Cellphones, MP3 players, the Sony PSP; lots of pocket-sized devices can play video clips. If you’re carrying one of these gizmos around with you, it might be worth your while to load it up with snippets from your favourite movies. That way, if you feel the sudden urge to show somebody the space-helmet-wearing gorilla from Robot Monster (1953), you'll be prepared.
My own MP3 player has a screen the size of a postage stamp. It can play video, but only in spectacular TeenyVision and Squint-O-Scope. Long-term viewing is out of the question, so any video content I put on it should be well-considered 10-to-15-second snippets that can immediately convey the offbeat joys of films like Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (2001) or The Amazing Screw-On Head (2006). Lots of film review websites like rottentomatoes.com include downloadable trailers and clips; you can even find bits of obscure and offbeat titles at sites like eccentric-cinema.com and badmovies.org. The latter in particular is a treasure trove of weirdness, and I hastily filled my media player with delightfully bizarre clips:
• The Giant Claw (1957) — A giant goony-bird marionette attacks an airplane. This truly is the tackiest monster on film.
• Robot Monster (1953) — I stand corrected.
• Ninja Wars (1982) — Look, it’s the scene where the “devil monk” pukes a 30-foot stream of corrosive yellow goo at the guy scampering up a tree!
• Wild, Wild Planet (1965) — I’ve only seen snippets of this Italian space opera, but the outlandish visuals never fail to pique my interest. Check out those “ray guns” — they’re acetylene blowtorches! They look just as cheesy as a toy ray gun, but they’re incredibly dangerous!
• Godzilla versus the Smog Monster (1971) — Hooray! It’s the scene where Godzilla uses his atomic breath to fly backwards!
• Monster Zero (1965) — Everybody should see Godzilla’s zero-gravity victory dance at least once, even if it’s just on a screen smaller than your nose.
• Gymkata (1985) — Everybody remembers the hilarious scene in which Olympic gymnast-cum-martial-artist Kurt Thomas finds a rock shaped like a pommel horse in the middle of a mountain village, and uses it to kick back an endless wave of attackers. Sadly, this scene loses some of its surreal quality when taken out of context.
• Drunken Wu Tang (a.k.a. Taoism Drunkard) (1983) — Now this is more like it. “The Watermelon Monster” in all his absurd, spherical glory. Words will never be sufficient to describe this chattering, befanged papier-mâché monstrosity, so whip out your portable media player and make your friends’ jaws drop.
