Not all fictional products are as cool and useful as the hoverboard from Back to the Future Part II (1989). Be glad the following items aren't available to waste your money on:
• “Sneaky Snooper” — News broadcaster Les Nessman (Richard Sanders) mail-orders this gizmo in an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati, believing that he'll be receiving a high-tech surveillance device. When it arrives, co-worker Herb Tarlek is unimpressed.
Herb: “It's a jelly jar, Les.”
Les: “Of course, that's the whole point. It's disguised to look like a jelly jar. It comes with a full set of operating instructions, and it's guaranteed!”
Herb picks up the instructions and reads them. “Step One: Place Sneaky Snooper next to wall. Step Two: Place ear to Sneaky Snooper. Step Three: Listen.”
• Giant Catapult kit — A catapult that hurls giant boulders is not the ideal weapon to hunt an animal that you intend to eat, but by this point Wile E. Coyote is more concerned with his pride than with dinner. The assembled catapult is unusual in that it unerringly pitches its payload directly onto Wile E. and never at the intended target — the elusive Road Runner — regardless of what position he's in or what protective measures he takes. The dumb predator must have spent a bundle on this contraption, considering how many times he allows it to maul him. Even the manufacturer's label mocks the poor guy. From the Warner Brothers cartoon, To Beep or Not to Beep (1963).
• “Log — from Blammo!” — Certainly the greatest toy ever created. It rolls down stairs — alone or in pairs! Runs over the neighbour’s dog! It's great for a snack and fits on your back! Sure, a simple block of wood isn't exactly stoking the avarice of children in this world, but that's just because we aren't marketing it as well as The Ren & Stimpy Show did! C'mon kids! It's better than bad — it's good!
• “Vincent Price’s Egg Magic” — From the 10th season of The Simpsons. While Homer and Bart attend the Super Bowl, Marge and Lisa root through some old games and activity sets, looking for something fun to pass the time. They find a box labelled “Vincent Price’s Egg Magic” and spend the afternoon sticking mustaches and hats on eggs. Unfortunately, the little plastic feet that would complete their creations aren’t in the box, despite the prominent “Feet included!” label. “I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product,” mutters Marge. Fortunately, Price’s grandson Jody is actively distributing egg-sized feet to disgruntled customers who telephone in with complaints — despite the fact that the activity set hasn’t been in distribution in over 30 years.
Oddly enough, this is based on a real product that was even weirder. Vincent Price once lent his name and likeness to a product called “Shrunken Head Apple Sculpture,” in which kids would peel, carve, pickle and dry apples until they resembled shrunken heads, complete with long hair and sewn-up lips. The perfect toy for terrifying your little sister. Feet were definitely not included. What could be more wholesome than kids playing with apples?
• “Pimp Slap in a Box” — This product raises all kinds of questions. How did a pimp slap get in a box? Why would you want such a thing? We get no answers; only slap-tastic sound effects and giant cartoon “whap!” captions every time some foolish consumer opens the box. The PSIAB is one of the weird, jokey products featured in the utterly bizarre virtual sex film 2 Funky 4 U (2002), which is the first entirely computer-generated porno film I've ever come across. Er... I mean encountered.
