A plastic comb that can stop time. Eyeglasses that prevent combustion. A clock that causes brass to evaporate. These are the magical items from the outstanding TV miniseries The Lost Room (2006), a show that helps viewers suspend their disbelief towards its fantasy elements by making them mundane, random and inexplicable. We never find out exactly why a collection of motel room bric-a-brac became enchanted, but the implications are so intriguing that we just run with it.
The protagonist of the story is Joe (Peter Kraus), a police detective who comes into the possession of a key that seems to open any door. Doors opened by the key lead to an ordinary-seeming 1960s-era motel room, and from there, the keyholder can transport himself to any door in the world. Handy, but how is this possible?
Gradually, Joe (and the audience) learns the rules of this particular object, which is being sought by dangerous people wielding powerful objects of their own. It seems that a mysterious event occurred in 1961, causing an ordinary motel room to become lost in time and space. Objects that were in the room at the time became imbued with magical properties, ranging from near useless (a wristwatch that can boil an egg) to unspeakably powerful (a glass eye that can heal or destroy living tissue). The objects are indestructible, and various rival factions are seeking to collect them.
Joe wants nothing to do with the objects and the fanatical criminals who seek them, but he has no choice but to seek them out. His daughter has vanished into thin air due to a mishap with the key, and now Joe’s only chance to bring her back involves learning more about the innocent-looking objects and their capabilities.
It’s a fascinating premise, and one that allows for a lot more, well, for lack of a better term, “realism” than such a science-fantasy scenario might normally employ. The objects are not publicly known, because some of their abilities are either unnoticeable or undetermined, and the useful objects are horded by secretive individuals or cabals. Also fascinating is the apparent randomness of the objects’ powers. A nail file that puts people to sleep? Hey, why not?
One of my favourite objects in the show is a bus ticket. Anyone who touches it is instantly transported to a highway outside Gallup, New Mexico. The ticket is owned by a misanthrope named Wally (Peter Jacobson), who uses it to get rid of irritating people. If somebody pushes in front of him in a movie line, he’ll say “I condemn you to hell!” and swat the offender on the forehead with the ticket, sending the confused line-cutter to another state. Victims are left to wander up the remote highway, eventually coming to a gas station, where the by now fed-up locals have painted a sign explaining that this isn’t hell, it’s New Mexico, and if you would please follow this arrow, you’ll find the bus station leading out of town. Thank you, and have a nice day.
It is stated that about 100 of these objects exist, but only a handful of them have their powers demonstrated over the course of The Lost Room. Fans of the show enjoy making up new objects that don’t actually appear in the miniseries. Let’s try this ourselves, shall we? How about...
• The TV tray — when food is placed on this object, the user gets free cable TV for the duration of the meal. Channel 91 only shows programs from 1961.
• The paper airplane — when thrown, this object flies off into the distance, disappearing over the horizon. Ten minutes later, it returns, with an Australian postage stamp affixed to its wing.
• The Mickey Mouse ears — this set of novelty mouse ears allows the wearer to speak fluent Finnish.
• The kazoo — when used to play the William Tell Overture, all humans within earshot will stop what they’re doing and run around the room pretending to be on horseback, shouting “Hi-yo Silver... away!” Handy for getting oneself out of tense situations.
• The crossword puzzle — completing this moderately difficult puzzle will give the user a moment of total consciousness and enlightenment. Which is nice. Feeling fades away after a minute or two. Since the puzzle is indestructible, it can be erased in unusual ways (with a blowtorch, for instance) and reused.
• The vinyl record — when balanced on the user’s head, all other people in the room can only speak in verse.
• The prophylactic — this latex condom, like all of the objects, is indestructible, and therefore quite effective when used as birth control. It can even be reused after being put in a blast furnace, which cleans it very effectively. Also, if fully inflated, it forms into a clear plastic balloon animal that obeys the owner’s commands.
