It's been a year since the Robert Rodriguez-Quentin Tarantino double feature experiment Grindhouse (2007) hit screens. The first few screenings were packed to the rafters with boisterous, appreciative fans and everybody seemed to be having a great time. Alas, the party didn't last long. Viewers who weren't excited enough to run to the opening weekend tended to stay away altogether, cowed by the three-hour running time. When the time came to pack it in and add up all the dough, the bottom line was about 11 million bucks — less than half of what the producers were hoping for. An $11 million take would have been a triumph for, say Twisted Nerve (1968), or Martin (1977), or Zombie (1979) — the kind of low-budget thrillers Rodriguez and Tarantino were paying homage to — but for an ambitious project like Grindhouse, it was a crushing disappointment. Since I actually saw this awesome flick in a theatre (twice!), I feel justified in pointing an accusing finger at those of you who didn't and announcing that this is all your fault.
Now, due to Grindhouse's box office reception, we won't be getting any more double features anytime soon. That sucks. Also, the two component films that made up Grindhouse got released separately in the United Kingdom, denying the delicious hybrid theatrical experience to the nation with the biggest number of Tarantino fans per capita in the world. That also sucks. Planet Terror (2007) and Death Proof (2007), the two films that make up part (but only part! Read on!) of Grindhouse have been released on separate DVDs. This doesn't suck, because these are expanded versions of both films, which provide good value for renters and buyers, while helping the studio to recoup some of its losses. But, the DVDs are missing the celebrated “fake trailers” that appeared in Grindhouse. Now that sucks.
Someday, Grindhouse will be screened again before an appreciative audience. Cult films tend to find their audiences slowly, over time, and this is definitely a cult film. I'm even sure a “proper” DVD release will occur someday, but in the meantime, Grindhouse doesn't even exist. Instead, there is only Death Proof and Planet Terror. The fake trailers have been cast adrift. What were they like? I'll tell you:
• Machete — this is the only fake trailer to get a DVD release; you can see it on the Planet Terror disc. It's one heck of a crowd-pleaser, and anybody who isn't pumped by the sight of craggy badass Danny Trejo mounting a minigun on the front of his motorbike and jumping that sucker over a gigantic fiery explosion is completely immune to Awesome. See Trejo hurl a machete at the camera! See him stand up to rich, corrupt scumbags! See him relax under a waterfall with two topless chicks!
Happy ending: An actual feature-length version of Machete has been greenlit!
• Hobo With a Shotgun — this was the winning entry in the fake trailer competition at the South by Southwest film festival in Texas. The title character is actually the hero, who gets fed up with the street crime that surrounds him every day and decides to take action. Blowing his booze money on a used shotgun he spies in a pawnshop window, this homeless avenger comes to the aid of the victimized and marginalized citizens of his neighbourhood, dispensing 20-gauge justice to the drug dealers, pimps and rapists who plague his streets. This is “real” low budget, as opposed to “fake” low budget, and has a legitimately scuzzy vibe that makes it stand out.
• Werewolf Women of the SS — Rob Zombie's faux “Nazploitation” trailer is an amalgam of exploitation bullet points so awesome, there's no way any full-length film could possibly live up to it. Werewolves in Nazi uniforms fire machine guns, while flanked by hot women in cheeky lingerie. The cast is perfect for this kind of trash: Udo Kier! Tom Towles! Sybil Danning! Bill Moseley! And Nicolas Cage as Dr. Fu Manchu! Let me tell you, the crowd went absolutely nuts for this one.
• Don't — this one puzzled and underwhelmed most viewers, but once I figured out what director Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead) was doing, it became one of my favourites. In the ’70s, there was a tradition of cutting trailers for Anglo horror films that would eliminate spoken dialogue completely, thus obscuring the movie's British origins. This would make the film's storyline unclear, particularly in the case of strange, complex plotlines like those found in Scream and Scream Again (1970) or Psychomania (1973). Often, the film would be given a new and misleading title; for example, The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue (1974) was retitled Don't Open the Window, despite the fact that there is no big scene involving a window anywhere in the film!
With this in mind, Wright set out to make the most confusing, uninformative, yet shocking horror trailer possible. Just what the hell is Don't about? Ghosts? Cannibals? Possession? Crazy people? There are no answers here – just shock editing, eerie closeups and a comically suspenseful narration by Arrested Development's Will Arnett. “If you... are thinking... of opening... this... door... don’t!
• Thanksgiving — Eli Roth provided the grossest, tackiest, most outrageous entry with this homage to ’80s slasher flicks. The familiar genre, along with the brazen sex and gore imagery and the degraded VHS-like film quality, made this trailer instantly recognizable to the audience, who shrieked with disgusted glee. There are more decapitations per minute than the French Revolution. This one goes over the top so quickly, it achieves escape velocity and ricochets off the moon.
