One of these things is not like the others — a demon, a fishman, a German-accented being of pure ectoplasm and Selma Blair
There are two Guillermo del Toros.
The first, because audiences are creatures of proximity, is the writer, director and producer of Pan’s Labyrinth, a dark fantasy set during the Spanish Civil War. That film is brooding, beautiful and ultimately the kind of movie powerful enough to build a reputation for its creator, which is exactly what it has done. Enough so that it’s easy to forget about the second del Torro.
This is the del Toro who helmed Blade II, an unabashedly schlocky action flick in which, among other egregious crimes against narrative and intelligence, several of its vampire protagonists outrun a blast of light. At more than 300,000 metres per second, those are some terribly fast feet.
In Hellboy 2, the second chapter in a franchise whose first instalment’s box office performance made its return a long shot, both del Toros are proudly on display. The result, unfortunately, is more speed-of-light vampire than darkly executed fantasy.
Del Toro the first has layered the world of Mike Mignola’s titular comic hero with a bestiary of fantastically grotesque characters, adding trolls and elves to Mignola’s demons and elder gods. Opening with a clunky and overly expositive bedtime story about a derivative fantasy war between the world’s humans and magical creatures, it’s clear that the fairy tale is del Toro’s overriding esthetic, offering the action equivalent of a Pan’s Labyrinth sequel. If the first del Toro’s presence is enough to make the film pretty, it’s an illusion that only lasts until its characters open their mouths.
The schlockier del Toro comes out swinging with a sloppy mess of plot holes, rogue cop clichés, wince-worthy dialogue and the inclusion of a particularly godawful German accent by Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane. Alternating between feast and famine, del Toro’s script either passes over essential plot elements, or bludgeons the obvious into pulp.
Take, for instance, the movie’s central theme: Hellboy (Ron Perlman), a demon destined to destroy the world, just wants to be a regular Joe. (This despite the fact that the first film, also directed by del Toro, hinged on the same concept.) After mulling about his isolation out loud, being lectured on the subject by an evil elven prince (Luke Goss), receiving taunts from passersby and finally a berating by his boss (Jeffrey Tambor), Hellboy’s angst is finally punctuated by, wait for it, a convenient film clip from Bride of Frankenstein.
Whatever restraints tethered Pan’s Labyrinth have been cut, leaving del Toro No. 2 to cash in on the newfound cachet of del Toro No. 1. Hellboy 2 ain’t smart, but it’s plenty pretty, and like a cheerleader with bad gums, del Toro’s film seems content to coast on looks and ignore the obvious rot that’s been stuck in its mouth. It’s enough to make you pine for del Toro No. 1, until you remember that, really, they’re the same man.
