Wil Andruschak

So, you’re the official greeter at the store. Is it a tough gig?

Well, I put in my hours, same as anyone else. It’s not a bad job.

I understand you were adopted?

Yeah, I was a rescue animal. The owners picked me up from Oops-a-Dazy rescue.

It must be a better life now?

I don’t like to talk about my life before, but I’m pretty happy now.

And you’re a pig.

Hey, man. Take it easy.

A little sensitive eh? Just an observation.

Yeah, well, it’s hard being called a pig all the time. It has negative connotations beyond simply identifying me. I prefer the proper name: Sus scrofa.

Is this something you think about a lot? I hear pigs are smart.

Sus scrofa, please. I’m just tired of being the suffix to all kinds of bad. Fascist-pig, sexist-pig, capitalist-pig.... I mean, the societal constructs around my species is further indication of a society obsessed with labels without thinking through the greater sociological implications.

You are smart.

I’m a little offended that you sound surprised by that.

Okay, moving on. Is it true you’re a vegetarian?

Yes. I eat pig kibble, which is basically compressed hay, but I really love juicy vegetables and fruits.

Is that a moral choice?

No, I’m a Sus scrofa. It’s biological.

Do you live in the store full time?

Yeah, it’s pretty great. Lots of people around during the day and then I have my nights off to do what I like.

What do you like to do?

You know, lie around.

Are you sensitive about your weight?

I’m normal size for my species. So, no.

You seem to be a bit of a curmudgeon.

I’m not going to answer that.

Fair enough. How old are you?

Five. I’ve been living at the store for about four years.

I hear that people can take you for walks?

Yeah, during the summer. I tend to make it down the block before heading home. I’m not really the long walk kind of guy, but I do enjoy getting outside.

You’re also popular on Facebook. I see you have 521 friends. That’s more than me.

Well, maybe people don’t want to be harassed by all your questions.

I’m not like this all the time, this is an interview.

Oh, is that what this is?

Is it true that you have to get your tusks trimmed every so often?

Yeah, they can get pretty big. I look like a warthog if they don’t trim me. Might scare the dogs that come into the store.

Do you enjoy the dogs coming into the store?

Meh. If they don’t bug me too much. I don’t like too much attention.

I understand that on top of being a vegetarian, you’re a bit straight-edge?

I don’t like the smell of cigarettes or booze. Never touch the stuff and I don’t really approve of people that do.

That’s kind of a hard line to take, isn’t it?

Hey, I’m a stubborn pig.