Scott Kowalchuk

The very idea of a beauty pageant ought to make everyone shudder. Let’s not even get into child pageants and the train-wreck of a life that’s setting up for children. But what happens when it’s all in fun and all about rock ’n’ roll? Does that make it OK?

Brian Cymbaluk, the drummer for Calgary cover band Suicide Blonde, is banking on it. He put out a call for women to enter a competition emulating the band’s busty, cowgirl-dirty logo and got responses in spades.

After narrowing the field down to 10 applicants from 52, the band is hosting two pageants with rock shows to pick the final three contestants, and then to crown the winner on July 17. But it’s not down and dirty, or all about the tits and ass. Swear.

“The one thing I wanted to say from Day One about this contest is we’re not out for a T & A showfest,” says Cymbaluk, sitting in his spacious office at Axe Music. “That’s not what it is. It’s a proper pageant from start to finish.”

But of course there is a bit of tit, er, titillation going on. Not even Cymbaluk can deny it. But it’s not going to get carried away. Contestants were told to keep it clean(ish).

“We’re keeping this as a clean pageant. You’re emulating the Suicide Blonde girl, but if it’s illegal outside of the event, it’s illegal inside of the event,” he says.

The women will be judged on how well they reflect the band’s catchy brand — a blonde beauty straddling a guitar, wearing a cowhide bikini top, cowboy boots and hat, jean cutoffs and tattoos streaming down both arms. But it’s not just about the looks. This is rock ’n’ roll and attitude had better damn well be a part of it.

“We said it early on. We were looking for the best girl who could do the look, the style and the attitude,” says Cymbaluk.

“There’s a girl that handed in a submission; beautiful girl, gorgeous, model material, Miss America pageant, like you look at her and you go ‘Wow.’ But attitude….”

Needless to say, she didn’t make the cut. So who did?

There’s the farm-girl fantasy of Britney April, the bra-busting Jenna Koller or the pinup chic of tattoo artist Niki Nix, to name a few. Heck, one of the finalists even does commercials for Pete the Plumber (her application says she gets wet for Pete the Plumber in three commercials).

Great, but let’s not beat around the bush here — surely someone’s called these guys out for being dirty old men running a sexist pageant. Their wives, maybe?

“My guitar player asked me earlier this week, he said ‘Have we had any complaints from women’s groups or anything?’ I said, ‘Funny enough, nothing,’” says Cymbaluk.

Even his Facebook page is void of negative comments. “That’s either a sign of apathy or something, I don’t know what. But I was actually surprised that somebody didn’t maybe get a little up in arms, that there wasn’t that negative component.”

Maybe it’s because people realize this is about having a good time. Cymbaluk and his bandmates just want to spice things up and they aren’t taking themselves too seriously. They’re a cover band after all.

“We have no problems admitting to everybody that we’re musical prostitutes. It’s musical prostitution, we make our clients happy,” he says.

Titillating? Sure. Fun? Probably. Sexist? I don’t know and I guess I don’t care. A wise man once sang, “I know, it’s only rock ’n’ roll, but I like it,” and I can’t argue with that. Call me a pig, but after looking at a few of the contestant’s photos, I kind of like that too. There. I said it.