Tomb

Forget that Calgary is the prototype of the intelligent, industrious, magnanimous province of Alberta. Forget that Calgary competes only with Toronto, with whom Calgary shares a birthdate, as the No. 1 motivating force of Canada. Forget about whether and how non-Calgarians view, emulate or envy Calgary.

The crux of the matter: What does Calgary see, according to Calgary's natal horoscope, when Calgary looks in the mirror?

If Calgary did look in the mirror, would Calgary recognize itself? Not likely. Founded on August 27, 1875, in the early afternoon by Insp. Éphrem A. Brisebois of Division "F" of the North West Mounted Police, Calgary has, in some ways, changed immensely — but Calgary’s basic “personality” has not.

Calgary, the Reluctant Leader

Calgary’s karma demands that it takes initiative, rather than acting in response to partners and rivals. Paradoxically, Calgary knows this — and sees no reason to change. Calgary's Jupiter, the "Santa Claus" of the Zodiac, rewards Calgary for maintaining harmonious relationships. And Calgary gains the most prestige, influence and power by promoting and maintaining harmony within its most important relationship: with the province of Alberta.

Calgary has prospered so well because its natal horoscope dovetails with Alberta’s. Calgary benefits directly by being in Alberta. It doesn’t have to compromise what it naturally is to fit in with the province. Calgary therefore gains prestige, leadership and most of all, friends and allies, all of whom should be celebrating Calgary’s birthday.

Calgary's and Alberta’s natal horoscopes denote that everybody benefits when savvy Albertan politicians (Aquarius) employ the negotiating skills of Calgarian arbiters, litigators and lawyers (Libra). Of course, hypocrites who realize the upside of doing business with Calgary still say all the right things — but Calgary's Jupiter empowers Calgary to cut through the crap. To earn Calgary 's respect and business: say what you mean, mean what you say.

Calgary gives nobody slack. With benevolent placements of several planets and key female asteroids that are all safe and secure because they obey the law, Calgary has an image to uphold. But images aside: Calgarians who suffered both the National Energy Program (NEP) fiasco and Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach's royalty tax policies, know that misguided politics perpetually threaten to derail even the most prosperous Calgary economy — but they do not understand why Calgary is vulnerable.

Calgary’s birthdate occurred during one of the harshest astrological aspects in existence — which means that Calgarians sometimes endure the misguided, erroneous and sometimes low intentions of the nameless, faceless “popular will.”

Often, with Calgary, heroism shines through. Like the naval and military powerhouse of Charleston, S.C., Calgary exudes unimpeded, straightforward, non-negotiable military initiative. Fort Calgary does not merely symbolically represent the heroic mission of the Northwest Mounted Police to establish law during the era of the whiskey forts — it physically embodies it through its swarthy, sexy, tough and brave character.

But despite all that, Calgary still does not look in the mirror. Calgary equates "looking in the mirror" with "navel-gazing." Calgary needs a reason to stop… and to look in that mirror. What is that reason?

Gargoyles of Evil Men

That reason is an ugly truth and a dirty secret: the only reason that Calgary exists is because there once existed a bad man that only the founding of Calgary could, and did, stop. That man was Tom Hardwick, the vicious leader of a group of American wolf hunters who, in the midst of an angry drunken dispute, killed more than 20 natives in the “Cypress Hills Massacre” of Battle Creek, Saskatchewan, in the early 1870s. Because of these ruthless murders, Prime Minister Sir John A. Macdonald decided to found the North West Mounted Police to establish law and order on the prairies — and it was one such Mounted Policeman, Insp. Éphrem A. Brisebois, who founded Calgary.

Right from its very beginning, Calgary has endured within its sphere of influence men — evil men, bad men, murderers — who represent examples of what not to be. It is clear, both to Calgarians and everybody else, that although these men cannot be ignored, they still are not to be admired or emulated. (One example: Warner Brothers filmed The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford in Calgary — even though Ford shot James in St. Joseph, Mo.) These bad men will plague Calgary forever — and in order for Calgary to be able to deal with the bad men in its future, Calgary should never forget the bad men of its past, Tom Hardwick and his prairie group of murderous wolfers.

Calgary requires gargoyles — gargoyles of "the bad man." (For this reason, it makes sense that the Calgary Flames signed on Todd Bertuzzi, a typical gargoyle responsible for ending Steve Moore's career, then let him go.) Gargoyles should hang in front of the Calgary Tower, the Saddledome, Talisman Center, Melrose, the Ship & Anchor, Eau Claire's YMCA, Stephen Avenue, Banker's Hall and wherever Calgarians gather — not as an exhortation to maintain virtue, but as talismanic magic, like cave paintings depicting the buffalo of the hunt, invoking not only peace and prosperity, but affirming and elongating the city's very existence.

WHAT’S IN STORE FOR CALGARY NEXT YEAR

Enjoy mid-week birthday cake and coffee, Calgary — then pack your bags. Business opportunities for the entire year and beyond pop up early in September. There is work out there — potentially lucrative work, too — but, in truth, the work is out there, not in Calgary.

The feds will issue forth its stimulus plan to build "the new Fort McMurray." (Yellowknife? Iqaluit? Pangnirtung? Don't fret — the destination will be printed on the ticket.). And don't worry about the cost — Edmonton and Ottawa will foot the bill … and call the shots.

Sounds great — when do we start? Well, hurry up and wait. This is public sector, not private sector. If all politicians agree by Halloween, plan to start work on the project in early December. Otherwise . . .you’ll be waiting around ‘til spring breakup.

Be warned: If you plan to stay in Calgary, you will be drinking (more) — and the police will be watching more carefully.