Tomb

Travel helps you to see the daily humdrum anew. Then again, so does the right kind of head trauma, and without having to bum a ride to the airport. So, whither travel? Easy: souvenirs.

Souvenirs are useful shorthand for “I am worldly and experienced” or “I’ve been someplace that you haven’t” or “I have an EBay account.” That said, not all souvenirs are created equal. Here are a few tips for sourcing the optimum global swag:

• Think local. The best souvenirs are the product of native elbow grease, local materials shaped by local hands into a priceless aide-mémoire. There’s something wrong, or at least confusing, about a Venice snow globe marked “Made in China.” Unless you bought it in China. In which case it would just say “Made Here.”

• Be practical. Yes, that sprawling Hereke carpet looks great in the store. Yes, the craftsmanship is exquisite, and the price is a fraction of what you’d pay back home. But don’t get swept up in the high-pressure hullabaloo of an Istanbul marketplace. Take a breather, think it through. Once you’ve got it back home to your basement “suite,” will that rug complement — or clash with — your water-stained ceiling and white plastic patio chairs? And what were you thinking, dropping a couple grand on a trip to Turkey when you live in such a dump? So many questions.

• Size matters. Hee-hee! You’re probably thinking, “It sounds like we’re going to discus penis length/girth but, in a cheeky twist, we’re not!” Wrong. If your idea of a souvenir is the warm memory of paying for a right rogering, you might as well get the most wang for your wen. Go big before you go home. Ah, but seriously, you were correct the first time. What I meant by “size matters” was, when deciding on a souvenir, always be practical. You’ve got to lug that box of Italian tiles back home, or pay for costly shipping.

• Be sensitive. You may be certain that the best way to remember your Mexican bender is with a cotton-poly T-shirt screened with the image of cartoon pigs cataloguing a dozen sexual positions. (Captioned, of course, “I did it all in Mazatlán.”) But the vendor, grateful as he may be for the most meagre of sales, thinks you’re a creep. Remember: you’re an ambassador! (The good kind, not the kind who drive loaded behind immunity plates.) A cartoon-pig-sex shirt is also an excellent way to get customs officers interested in the secrets of your rectum.

• Be original. Step away from the tourist stalls and move beyond the clichés. When souvenir shopping, always give 110 per cent. Take it to the next level. Kick it up a notch. Think outside the box. Like they say in New Delhi’s 18 Subway franchises, eat fresh.