"We had this amazing sex in my room, and afterwards, I went downstairs. When I came back up awhile later to see what he was doing, he had cleaned my entire bedroom!" my friend tells me excitedly over the phone. Granted this was only three-week-old lust talking, but — as someone whose own bedroom often lives up to the name of this column — I was touched by the gesture. "It was such a selfless act," she continued. "It let me know this person really wants to do things for me. It was very sweet and a real turn-on."
What makes a good lover a great lover is highly subjective, of course. But after talking to several women aged 20 to 35, one thing is clear: while good motor skills don't go unnoticed, often it has more to do with what he does when you're not in bed together.
"One time I was on the phone and he dropped to his knees and started kissing my legs," Chris (all names changed so no one tries to steal their marvelous men) tells me — a shit-eating grin on her face. "When I looked down, he started laughing and said, 'Sorry but your legs are just soooo sexy.'" Flattery will get you everywhere, guys.
Buttering us up doesn't just cater to our narcissistic tendencies. It can also help us deal with the baggage about our bodies so many of us lug into the sack. "I have all these things about my body that I worry about, like if I have too much sex I get bladder infections," explains Elaine, who's about to marry a guy she met overseas nine months ago. "He's very good about it. He'll say, 'OK dear, you better have a glass of water. Now shut up and have some fun.' It makes me laugh and relax."
Having a partner who can relax you is definitely up there on the "how to make a woman feel good" list. So is not being too goal oriented. "Sometimes a guy wants you to get off more than you do," complains Brenda. "But if I'm in a space where I can't come — if I have a lot on my mind, say — it's not gonna happen. So, instead of doing that ego thing where he must make me come, my guy just pleasures me as much as possible. If it doesn't result in a big bang, it's no biggie, as long as I'm enjoying myself." That said, the occasional big bang is appreciated.
To that end, Lisa says her lover's strength is that he's very intuitive. "He never does anything for a really long time," she explains. "Like if he's going down on me, he often changes the pressure, direction and style."
And the area he's exploring, adds Chris. "He moves around my whole body and doesn't immediately go for 'the zone.' He lets the momentum build and gives me time to become really aroused."
"He doesn't hurry through anything to get to penetration,” adds Brenda. “In fact, he's probably less penetration oriented than I am. On occasion, I've had to coax him into it." Sometimes we need a little coaxing ourselves.
The first time Sam's boyfriend wanted to go down on her they were camping. This made her nervous because she's a clean-freak and likes to shower before she lets anyone down there. "He asked me if he could taste me, like he was seeking permission, checking to see if I was Ok with it, which I really appreciated."
But Sam still prefers to wash beforehand. "So now, if one of us suggests a shower, it's a sign," she laughs.
Keeping things clean isn’t always desirable. "Sometimes he'll talk to me in a loving, tender way during sex," says Chris. "But sometimes it's aggressive and raunchy."
Communication doesn’t have to be verbal. "Eye contact is a really powerful turn-on,” says Lisa. “Sometimes its so intense it can be harder to do than talking to each other in bed." It can be pretty powerful outside of bed too. "If we're at a party, he'll slide me a sly look full of innuendo," says Brenda. "We flirt a lot, and it's really playful. And it doesn't always lead to falling into bed, which makes it feel more genuine. A lot of guys abandon that once they're secure in the relationship. We still interact with each other like we're new lovers." Now that's a goal everyone should strive for.