Dear Josey,

My boyfriend recently told me he wants to play with hot wax. He said he once had a girlfriend drip hot wax on his genitals, and it really turned him on. Since I was raised to never play with fire, I’m a little nervous about trying this, but I love my guy and want to indulge his fantasy. He has also told me that he’d like to try a cock ring. He has a birthday coming up, and I’d like to buy him a cock ring and indulge him in a night of hot wax fun. Is there anything I should know before doing this?

Wanting to Heat Things Up

Dear Wanting,

There’s a reason you were raised to never play with fire. It can be dangerous, so you need to be careful. And hot wax can be even trickier because it can keep burning once it sticks. Avoid coloured wax and beeswax, as these get too hot. Use paraffin and drop it from a height so it has a little time to cool down before hitting his bits. You’re not smearing butter on pancakes. If you want to avoid fire but still want to turn up the heat, muscle rub ointments are another fun way to play with temperature. Just avoid the head of the penis and the anus where there are mucous membranes. If you wouldn’t put it near your eyes, don’t put it on down below. And remember, most ointments are petroleum based and will destroy latex condoms. As for cock rings, avoid metal cock rings for starters. They don’t bend, which can be a problem if a guy’s erect and wants the thing off now. Ice packs around his penis will bring the erection down if you find yourself in such a predicament. Otherwise, there are lots of rubber and leather cock rings on the market. Have fun.

Dear Josey,

My female friends and I believe that a woman is responsible for her own orgasms, even if the man is sexually inept — after all, she chose to be with him for whatever reason. So she should take responsibility for her own pleasure, the way men do for theirs, right? What do you say?

Responsible female

Dear Responsible,

I say if a guy is technically inept, a gal ain’t gonna have an orgasm if she doesn’t take things into her own hands anyway, so you’re right on that front. As for guys taking responsibility for their own orgasms, I’m not so sure. If he gets off through intercourse, well, a woman’s vagina is doing at least some of the work. And most guys I know can’t give themselves oral sex so, again, we’re pretty much up to bat for that one. As for getting off manually, I’ve been with guys who are too shy to jerk off in front of me and seem more than happy to let me do the work. Sure, guys can be a little easier to operate on that front, while women take a little more focus and attention to detail, but just because things aren’t working, doesn’t mean guys should sit back and say, “Hey you might as well do all the work. I don’t know what I’m doing anyway.” The fact that most women don’t come through intercourse means that, yes, sometimes we have to get in there and help ourselves. And ultimately, it may be more efficient and desirable to take things into your own hands, but if he wants to help and what he’s doing isn’t working, she should certainly feel like she can give him some (kindly delivered) direction. It can be a big turn-on to get someone else off, so I don’t think it’s fair to deny anyone this privilege at least once in a while.

Dear Josey,

When is the right time to put on the condom? During foreplay or after foreplay? Should the female or the male roll it onto the penis? This and any advice that you can give a first-timer would be appreciated.

Ready to Unroll

Dear Ready,

Don’t put it on before you go out on a date like one guy told me he did. Other than that, I don’t care if you put it on standing on your head, as long as the penis is covered up during vaginal or anal intercourse. Whether you do this as soon as you have your clothes off or after hours of glorious kissing, humping, licking and sucking, it hardly matters. Same goes for who puts it on. If she’s comfy, it can be hot to get her involved. If you’re uncomfortable, and things are a bit awkward, it might be easier for you to do it since you’re more used to handling the equipment.