Steady diet of carbohydrates have you feeling doughy? Nose running? Looking pasty? Welcome to the dead of winter, the most depressing and least sexy time of the year.

Wanting sex in spring and summer is almost a given. They even start with the same letter as sex. However, it’s hard to get worked up over someone in a parka and Sorels. Why do you think they throw Valentine’s Day in the middle of February? To force us to at least fake feeling sexy in the middle of winter.

Sure, the idea of having someone to snuggle up with all winter long is sweet and goes a long way to satisfying human-contact needs. The problem is you don’t get to enjoy it much because you’re asleep before your head hits the pillow, and it’s too dark to see each other when you get up.

Then there’s the cold feet.

You know that in a month or two we’ll all be running around like a bunch of horny rabbits, strutting through the streets, reminded once again of the joys of human flesh. Until then, here’s a guide to spicing up winter’s many un-sexy situations. Until then, winter’s many un-sexy situations require sensual antidotes. Here are a few suggestions.

Situation: I just spent 40 hours in a hermetically sealed, fluorescently lit office building this week.

Antidote: If you can’t send her to a spa for the weekend (not to discourage this, mind you), a full-body massage, complete with relaxing aromatherapy oil, will be a welcome substitute.

Situation: I just took the bus packed with hundreds of sweaty, smelly strangers.

Antidote: Since studies show that depression dampens your sex drive and researchers say it takes about 20 minutes of exposure to someone’s depression to catch it, and since we’re all at least mildly grumpy at this time of year, the bus is pretty much a giant libido-killer on wheels. Anyone forced to ride it should be greeted afterward with utmost sympathy and compassion. Much cooing and “Aw, poor you” must be applied.

Situation: I just waited for the bus in a snowstorm for half an hour.

Antidote: Run hot bath with bubbles immediately, and apply back rub while allowing diatribe against lousy, inconsiderate bus drivers and what morons they all are.

Situation: I just about got run over by a sidewalk plow.

Antidote: Say “It’s gonna be OK,” repeatedly, in a soothing voice until he stops shaking. Prepare stiff drink while allowing diatribe against lousy, inconsiderate, city workers and what morons they all are.

Situation: I’m sick with the flu... again.

Antidote: Move TV and VCR into bedroom, prepare chicken soup and favourite flavour of Neo Citran. Prepare hot-water bottle, and stand by for regular fetching orders.

Situation: Honestly, I do support the writers, but if I watch one more TV repeat because of the Writers Guild of America strike, I’ll scream.

Antidote: Remove TV from bedroom. Call taxi to transport you and Miss Moody to any live entertainment venue. Do not tell Miss Moody where she is going in order to avoid resistance and cries of “But there’s a Seinfeld episode I’ve only seen 11 times on tonight,” or “I can’t go out. I look like shit!”

Situation: I just ate three bags of “comfort food” (nacho-cheese flavoured), and I feel squishy and fat.

Antidote: Yes, you can say it again: “You look great.” And again and again and again.... Avoid cries of “Baby, let me squeeze your love handles.”

Situation: I just dug my car out of the snow and found a ticket on it.

Antidote: Allow full 10-minute rant punctuated at regular intervals with “No way,” “Yeah, you’re right” and “No, I can’t believe it either.” Make dinner. With wine.

Situation: I have a killer hangover because I got drunk to relieve my depression last night.

Antidote: Prepare peppermint tea, and apply full head massage while talking about how charming and sexy he is when he’s drunk.

Situation: These jeans fit last summer.

Antidote: See squishy-and-fat-mood treatment above. Yes, you can say it again.

Situation: It’s –25 C, I have my period and I have no tampons.

Antidote: Volunteer immediately to run out for tampons. While out, also purchase chocolate and the latest issue of Cosmo, and rent Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Upon return, bring comforter from bedroom out to couch, plump pillows and rub her tummy while watching movie and doing Cosmo quizzes. Hey, you want to get laid, don’t you?

If this doesn’t keep your spirits up and keep you both getting laid this time of year, consider this: According to the doctors, regular sex lowers the risk of depression, another big libido squasher.

And spring is just around the corner. Honest.