Apparently, ostrich testicles are more effective than Viagra. I’m pretty sure I’ll never find out. Eating ostrich testicles is up there on my to-do list right after licking the floor. Oh yeah, and I don’t have a penis to prove it on. However, given the claim comes from the author of a cookbook with recipes for everything from testicle pizza to bull testicles with béchamel sauce, I figure he knows what he’s talking about.

According to Ljubomir Erovic, testicles are loaded with testosterone, earning them a centuries-long reputation as an aphrodisiac. And they’re a delicacy in his home country of Serbia.

Serbians aren’t the only fans of testicle eating. The Chinese believed that eating testicles on a regular basis boosted a man’s libido and cured impotence. The ancient Greeks thought that eating sheep’s testicles before battle made a man stronger. And the Romans believed that eating the testicles of a healthy animal would cure health problems with a man’s own testicles.

Erovic, who has been cooking balls for 20 years, says the tastiest testicles come from bulls, stallions, ostriches and sheep. Boar testicles, he says, are crap. Again, I’m going to have to just take his word for it. Erovic is also the founder, organizer and driving force behind The World Testicle Cooking Championship (ballcup.com), which has been held annually in Serbia since 2004. He knows his balls.

Chefs from countries including Serbia, the Republic of Srpska (I’ve never heard of it either), Greece, Finland, Norway, Hungary and Australia attend the championship. It’s also earned a Guinness World Record as the event where a record amount of testicles are prepared. Imagine one metric tonne of balls.

If you’re at a loss as to how to prepare testicles — not exactly something you learn in home economics class — the book includes a video that demonstrates how to peel and slice your balls.

The ingredients for Erovic’s testicle pizza recipe include cheese, onion, pepper, bacon and bull’s testicles. “It’s Italian pizza with Serbian balls,” he explains. His recipe for omelet with calf testicles starts, “Remove fine veins from the testicles and put them in boiling water for two to three minutes.” Yum. The book also contains more cordon bleu recipes, such as calf testicles in wine (white or red) and testicles with bourguignon sauce, and pig’s testicles with potatoes. His book contains recipes for testicles from over a dozen different animals: from bulls and pigs to rams, stallions and ostriches.

And, in case you’re not sure how to serve your balls, Erovic offers suggestions such as serving homemade dry white wine with good song and music before and after your meal. Frankly, I’d need several gallons of wine before even considering chowing down on testes.

Of course, because the idea of serving balls doesn’t exactly make one’s mouth water, they’ve come up with more delicate names like “animelles,” which is the culinary term for testicles — lamb testicles in particular. They are also known in various parts of the world as bulls’ jewels, cowboy caviar, Montana tender groin, organ meat, Rocky Mountain oysters and, my personal fave, swinging beef.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know, the pig castration season is May through June.

If the idea of battered testicles, testicle pie or testicle goulash whets your appetite, you can download Erovic’s multimedia e-book at yudu.com. Just don’t invite me for dinner.

Breaking Up is Easy To Do

Remember Berger dumping Carrie with a Post-it on Sex and the City and Carrie Underwood spilling the beans over her text breakup with Chace Crawford? Well, seems breakup Post-its and texts are so five minutes ago.

Now, your breakup can have its own soundtrack or visual aids via OUTSHOUTS.

OUTSHOUTS.com lets you record a breakup intro message with your webcam or phone and combine it with any web video or song. For instance, you could break up by sending an OUTSHOUT with one of Dan and Serena’s breakup scenes from Gossip Girl or set it to Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Around.”

And, just to humiliate your dumpee a little further, why not dump their ass publicly by embedding your OUTSHOUT on your MySpace or Facebook profile? Call me old-fashioned, but frankly, I think I’d rather eat sheep balls.