I opened my eyes.

It seemed such a simple thing. In fact, I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t usually open my eyes while coming. I realized it’s a bit like sneezing. It’s actually hard to do without closing your eyes.

And the truth is, as someone who’s easily distracted, I usually have to close my eyes so I can tune everything out and stay focused on what’s happening in my body so I can get off. Opening my eyes right at the moment I was about to come seemed like asking for trouble.

It actually had the exact opposite effect. I had a toe-curler of an orgasm and I felt super connected to my guy. According to Dr. David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage, only about 15 to 30 per cent of couples open their eyes at all during sex, and about half of those, close them during orgasm. As a result, says Schnarch, the sex a lot of people are experiencing in long-term relationships is more like mutual masturbation than making love.

I get a lot of books about relationships, keeping passion alive, how to have mind-blowing sex until the day you die… blah, blah, blah, but Schnarch’s book is a breath of fresh air. His take on relationships is extremely hopeful, smart and honest. Even a perfectly happy couple could learn a thing or two.

For example, here’s a gem: Schnarch believes sexual boredom, disinterest, low desire and intimacy “problems” are not only inevitable in long-term relationships (the word “marriage” in the title refers to any long-term committed relationship), but they’re good for them. He sees these “problems” not as signs that you’re “falling out of love” or that things are over, but that you are finally being forced to confront some of the things that are stopping you from getting the kind of sex and intimacy you truly desire.

Let’s face it. Early in a relationship, just having sex is exciting. Once you settle into a sexual pattern, however, things get predictable, and it’s hard and scary to change. That’s why dysfunctional relationships are so attractive. As long as you’re kept constantly on edge, constantly guessing, you feel drawn to and excited by the relationship. So what if it turns you into a complete basket case. At least it’s always exciting, right?

That’s where we run into trouble, says Schnarch. Problems in marriage don’t come from lack of intimacy — they come from our inability to tolerate truly being known by the person most important to us. “Sexual boredom isn’t caused by indifference or emotional estrangement or lack of security to experiment — it’s caused by your spouse becoming too important to risk his or her rejection. Indifference is the end result of attempting to diminish his or her impact on you.”

Schnarch says couples having “problems” shouldn’t feel bad, because it’s actually a sign the relationship is working. He describes relationships as people-growing machines. I like this, because I think more often than not, once people are in relationships, we let up on our own personal development. It’s like, “Whew, I’m in — now, I can coast.”

Schnarch’s answer is something he calls differentiation, not to be confused with being a stubborn, self-centreed boor in your relationship. Differentiation is about holding on to yourself so you can actually be closer to your partner. When we differentiate, rather than relying on our partner for validation and being dependent on them for positive feedback and comfort, we learn to soothe ourselves when we’re feeling anxious instead of getting on our partner’s case because he or she isn’t doing the right thing to make us feel better.

And, in terms of the sexual relationship, when you don’t differentiate, all that emotional baggage gets hauled into bed and gets played out in the sex you’re having (or not having).

Sex is a language, says Schnarch. “People always touch in ways that express who they are and how they feel about themselves and their partner. The minute details of your most intimate sexual behaviours and kissing and hugging are windows into our life history.”

And just because you’re in physical contact, it doesn’t guarantee you are in emotional contact. You can still reach orgasm, but you’re not necessarily emotionally connected. Schnarch encourages emotional connection through having sex and/or coming with your eyes open and really seeing your partner.

Think about it. Why do most of us have sex in the dark or with our eyes closed? It’s not because it’s more romantic. Schnarch believes it’s because most of us find it a way of keeping intimacy during sex to a tolerable level. If you haven’t tried it, take a peek next time you come. I guarantee it’ll be an eye-opener.