Blame it on the whole bigger, better, longer, harder, faster mentality North American society has when it comes to sex, but we do seem to have a bit of a thing for keeping up with, and even surpassing, the Joneses.

According to The Illustrated Book of Sexual Records (world-sex-records.com), here are just a few of the other sexual records set throughout history.

Largest penis — Of course it all depends who is doing the measuring (sorry guys, you can’t start from your ankle), but the longest penis sex researchers Alfred Kinsey and his partner Wardell B. Pomeroy encountered in their studies was 10 inches erect. In his 1935 publication L’Ethnologie du Sens Genitale, Dr. Jacobus's reported a penis nearly 12 inches long. A 14-inch penis is mentioned in Dr. David Reuben’s Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, though no source is quoted. Before you get all envious boys, just remember that a really long penis often has a tough time keeping it up because of the amount of blood needed to keep it erect.

Smallest penis — If that’s not comfort enough, try comparing yourself to some of the smallest penises on record. Again, according to Kinsey’s surveys, the smallest penis encountered was one inch long erect. There are also reports in medical literature of penises only one centimetre long fully erect. These are referred to as “micropenises.” It gets even worse. There is a condition known as congenital hypoplasia, when there is next to no penis shaft and the head (the glans) of the penis is attached directly to the pubic region. At least you wouldn’t have to worry about gagging, eh, ladies?

Longest clitoris — Apparently the folks of Easter Island liked big clits and used to try to enlarge girls’ clitorises. For the most part, however, few women I know go around worrying about the size of their clitoris. Still, for what it’s worth, in The Difference Between a Man and a Woman, author Theo Lang mentions one recorded instance of a woman having a clitoris two inches long that was three inches “when fully erect.” The 18th-century Swiss biologist Albrecht von Haller is said to have come across a woman with a seven-inch clit. The longest clit on record measured 12 inches and was mentioned by W. Francis Benedict in The Sexual Anatomy of Women. Be careful, you could take an eye out with that thing!

Most remarkable vaginal contents — According to D.W.T. Roberts in Volume 15 of Clinical Surgery, a woman fell down a set of stairs and ended up with a broom handle up her vagina (right, and my dog ate my homework, teacher). Anyway, a piece of the handle broke off and remained undetected for three months. Finally, the vaginal discharge she was experiencing as her vagina tried to work the thing out of there caused her to see a doctor who discovered the broom handle and removed it. Thanks Doc.

Most bizarre aphrodisiacs — There are a few contenders in this category. For example, rumour has it that a certain unnamed Chinese emperor used to keep a herd of deer so he could drink their blood to increase his virile powers. Menstrual blood, placenta and semen have all been consumed as libido lifters. Apparently, some folk way back when believed that the semen of virile young men should be mixed with the excrement of hawks or eagles and taken in pellet form to increase virility. And Chinese eunuchs would eat the warm brains of newly decapitated criminals believing this would bring back their lost sexual organs. Clearly, eating brains doesn’t make you any smarter.

Severest remedy for female masturbation — Would you stop wanking if they took a hot iron to your clit? I think I might. Apparently not all of us would. In a text from the late 1900s, psychologist Richard Krafft-Ebing refers to a girl who would not give up this most “revolting of vices” even when a white-hot iron was applied to the clitoris. Also, in 1894, a surgeon at St. John’s Hospital in Ohio was asked to bury a girl’s clitoris with silver wire sutures when cauterization didn’t stop her going at it. Apparently, the girl tore the sutures and resumed the habit. Next step, get rid of the clit entirely. Owwwww!

Most ridiculous methods of contraception — Back in 23 to 70 AD, a Roman nobleman called Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms out of the body of a certain species of spider and attached them in a piece of deer skin to a woman’s body before sunrise, she would not conceive. Other ancient and dark-age writers believed that if a woman spat three times into a frog’s mouth she would not conceive for a year, and that a pebble clasped in the hand during coitus would also stop conception. St. Albert the Great (1193 to 1280) advised women to eat bees as an effective contraception procedure and Aetios of Amida (527 to 565) suggested that a man should wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and that a woman should wear a cat’s testicle in a tube across her navel to avoid contraception. And guys make a fuss about having to wear a flippin’ condom. Sheesh.