Around the same time every year, we begin to see tell-tale signs that Christmas is just around the corner: grating Yuletide music filling malls and coffee shops, rambunctious children underfoot in department stores, shoppers greeted with sickeningly-saccharine holiday cheer and, of course, the ubiquitous red satin, marabou feather-lined “Mrs. Claus” negligee, which somehow makes its way into nearly every lingerie boutique.
Buying lingerie for your special lady can be a daunting task for even the bravest of Romeos. Hell, finding a good bra can be difficult on the best of days. The multitude of shapes, sizes, fabrics and colours can make choosing the right items very tricky. If you play your cards right, your girl will thank you with more than just a hug. Give the wrong thing, and you’ll be treading in murky waters, son. Unfortunately, especially if she feels embarrassed or offended, not even the best intentions will save a bad gift.
Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the not-so-scary world of women’s lingerie this holiday season. Hopefully these pointers will get you going in the right direction next time you feel lost inside a Victoria’s Secret.
First things first, your wife or girlfriend is a beautiful woman whom you love and respect — not a porn star. Your first task is to find a lingerie store that carries sexy, tasteful items. If the panties are edible, you’re in the wrong place.
Know her size. Fish through her drawer of unmentionables and write down her measurements. Giving her the wrong size gift can send mixed messages. Too small and she’ll be embarrassed that it doesn’t fit. Too large and she’ll never have to ask if you think her butt looks big — you’ve just told her. Murky waters, lads.
Again, have a good look at what she already owns. Lacy thongs and plunging push-ups? She might be game for something a little more adventurous. Steer clear of anything in “nude.” The colour might sound suggestive, but this shade of undergarments is the antithesis of sexy. Don’t buy her a Buick when she wants to feel like a Ferrari.
If she favours white cotton and no sign of anything slinkier than a full-coverage bikini brief then she’s more of a Hanes kind of girl, and chances are she won’t be comfortable in that revealing, lace-up number in the window. Nor the pleather bodysuit you eyed online. You might want to try a simple, silk slip in a safe colour, like cream or soft pink. The key thing to remember is that this isn’t about what you think she would look sexy in. It’s about what she will feel sexy wearing.
Once you’re armed with this knowledge and feel confident enough to start browsing at your local boutique, the first thing you should do is swallow your pride and admit that you’re not an expert in women’s lingerie. You’re not. A friend of mine once received a box full of mix-matched bras and panties in all sorts of crazy sizes from her boyfriend for Christmas — it was clear he panicked inside the store and grabbed whatever was within a three-foot radius. Don’t be that guy. Ask for assistance.
A good sales rep will be knowledgeable and more than willing to help you find the perfect something-something for your lady. She’ll also help you retrieve these items so you don’t have to be that creep elbows-deep in the panty bins. Never be that guy.
Let your sales person know what sizes you’re looking for and what kinds of items your partner already owns. Based on this, she should be able to show you a few suitable options. Also consider tracking down a sales associate who looks as close in age to your wife or girlfriend as possible. A 45-year-old will have a much different idea of what’s cute than a 25-year-old.
Once she shows you a couple options, you then get to put in your two cents. Again, keep in mind that this is about your special woman. Think about what she’ll feel sexy and confident in, and remember that sexy doesn’t necessarily mean revealing. Sometimes it’s what you don’t see that makes it just that much hotter, am I right? Sorry, this means crotchless panties are out of the question.
Lastly, find an appropriate time to give your wife or girlfriend her racy gift. Read: not in front of family. It also goes without saying that the two of you might want to find an appropriate time to enjoy said racy gift.
So with that, I salute you, brave sirs. Best of luck in your holiday lingerie hunt. Here’s shoping that this is the year you hit the mark with a gift that will make her feel foxy. Gone are the days of two-piece flannel pajama sets and saggy-ass lounge pants. Blow her socks off, and if you’re lucky, she’ll be sure to return the favour.