Dear Josey,

I’m 29 and my boyfriend of one year can’t come unless he does it himself. While our foreplay is fantastic, and our sex is pretty damn good too, I have noticed I am drifting away from being intimate with him, and I think it is because he cannot orgasm inside me. He always uses a condom as I am not on the pill (I am rotten at taking it properly). We love each other very much, and I want to eventually have children, so I see this as a huge problem. It not only makes me feel inadequate, him not being able to come, you know — the normal way, but how on earth are we going to have a family. Plus, I am running out of dirty things to say to make him come! I don’t know if I can live with this. Do you have any suggestions?

Feeling Left Out

Dear Feeling,

Now you know how the boys feel, pumping away, doing everything from thinking about their grandmother to tabulating baseball stats, trying not to come so you can come through penetration, or as you so quaintly put it, “the normal way.”

We women aren’t the only complicated comers. I get lots of letters from guys who feel they come too quick (would you rather that?), guys who feel they take too long, guys who can only come for oral stimulation while standing on their head (OK, I made up that last bit). So get off the “it’s only real sex if he comes inside me” kick. If you’re tired of talking dirty to make him come, rent some porn or erotic audiotapes to do the job for you. It could be that the condom is desensitizing him and making it harder for him to come. Try thinner condoms, or, if this is such a big issue for you, get better at taking the pill. Or try another method that doesn’t require daily memory. As for the baby thing, please. People with much bigger obstacles to getting pregnant figure out ways to get pregnant. He’s producing sperm and you have a uterus. You do the math. Honestly, you’re ready to toss an otherwise perfectly great physical and emotional relationship because the guy is geographically challenged when it comes to coming?

Dear Josey,

Whenever my wife and I have sex she is very sore afterwards. As she puts it, it feels like I’m hitting her bladder. I know one solution would be to not penetrate her all the way, but she seems to want me to. Do you have any suggestions that may help prevent me from “breaking her?”

Experiencing A Bladder Problem

Dear EBP,

Unless you’re penetrating her urethra or pee hole (in which case she’d have a lot more to complain about than a sore bladder. And no, kids, do not try it), I’m pretty sure you’re not hitting her bladder. More likely you’re hitting her cervix, the pearly gates to her uterus, if you will. Some women have shorter vaginal canals or some guys have longer penises (or a little of both), which causes the cervix pounding. You won’t “break her” but it might be what’s leaving her so sore. If she likes deep penetration but doesn’t enjoy that bruised-cervix feeling afterwards, perhaps you can compromise by laying off the jackhammer approach while still enjoying some slow, deep penetration. And it’s always good to remind ourselves that the most sensitive, nerve-packed area of a woman’s vagina is within the first inch or so of the opening, so shallow, slow thrusting combined with the occasional deep (in your case, slow) penetration to give her that “full” feeling can be a more wicked combination than having our cervix pummelled.

Quickies

Websites worth a peek:

• From a gal who “lives in a van and dances nekkid for money,” this blog is sharp and insightful: http://hobostripper.com.

• Realistic, fresh, frank homegrown sex advice videos: http://midwestteensexshow.com.

• Self-described as Myspace minus the pervs, thepeeq.com allows users to share sexual fantasies.

Quiz winners

The following winners were drawn from correct answer submissions to MMB’s September 6 sex education quiz.

1. The fourchette on a woman is d) the opening of the vagina, specifically where the bottom of labia minora meet. Martine L. of Montreal wins a copy of Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex.

2. SGPPs are b) self-guiding pornographic stations. Heather Huston of Calgary wins a copy of 2033: The Future of Misbehaviour.

3. A “faux hawk” is b) someone who fakes heartbreak to get a sympathy fuck. Ekaterina Frank of Montreal wins a copy of Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped.

4. Until June 2003, c) oral sex between same-sex couples was illegal in the states of Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Texas. Sarah Baker of Carleton Place, Ontario wins a copy of I Love Female Orgasm.

5. Marlene Deitrich said diaphragms were b) the best invention since pancake makeup. Chad B. of Montreal wins a copy of Crossdressing: Erotic Stories.