Do you find that in every relationship you eventually get an eerie feeling, like you’ve been there before? This, despite the fact that when you started out, you really, really felt like this one was different, only to have it turn into a tired, recycled version of the last relationship.

Many of us go out with the partners who treat us badly, for example, because that’s what we’re used to or because we have low self-esteem, perhaps. However, it’s not just low self-esteem that gets us in trouble. Some of us seem to only be able to go out with people we can push around.

So how do we stop repeating our relationship with our mother, father, first love, childhood pet or whatever example we’re following later in life? First thing is to be aware of your patterns — and not everyone needs to seek therapy. Sometimes just keeping a journal will reveal patterns over time. Then comes the hard part: breaking them.

You can start from the moment you lay eyes on your next bad relationship. People don’t listen to each other, for starters. They think they’re listening, but they’re not really. That’s because they’re too busy thinking “hmm... he’s a bit short, and he’s kinda got a funny nose, but could I imagine getting naked with him?” And once they’re done going down their mental list about him or her, they’re thinking, “Is that zit on my face really showing, or do I have BO?”

Even if there’s a wild attraction, both of you are too busy having an internal dialogue about your own appearance or the other person’s earlobes to know if you actually get along. This inability to listen often extends well into the relationship. Like when he says he has a hard time getting close, what we hear is: Once he falls madly in love with me he will overcome his fear of getting close and everything will be fine. Of course, we’d be much better off if we believed him and moved on. Such a simple concept, really. It’s just so much more tempting to hear what you want — to expect them to live up to what we decided we heard and then blame everything on them when they don’t.

You also need to listen to the messages you give yourself. You are not inferior because you constantly go out with people who treat you like shit or because you push every person away who tries to get close to you. Beating yourself up like this is hardly going to give you the confidence to break your patterns.

My pattern in the past was often this old familiar one — meet someone, enjoy extreme intensity for about three months, start to think this is the real deal, only to have the guy start pulling away, which of course, made me cling harder. When this would happen, I would find myself wondering what was wrong with guys, blaming them for being emotionally crippled, fearing commitment and all the other great excuses and rationalizations I came up with for why a guy would abandon a seemingly awesome relationship with a fantastic gal like me. I finally came to a realization. The one thing that was consistent in every single one of these relationships was me. I realized that, even if the entire male population was faulty (something I also realized was pretty unlikely), I wasn’t about to go changing anyone else.

Early in my next relationship when, predictably, at about the three-month mark, things cooled down after that initial unsustainable intense bliss, I didn’t freak out that he was pulling away. I also didn’t start looking for reassurance that he was still into me and, in doing so, cause the guy to wonder what happened to the seemingly normal, confident, secure person he was so into. Instead, I reassured myself that I was worthy of the relationship, and that if he wasn’t into it, he was free to go. Ironically, it was this newfound confidence, at least in part, that made this guy stay. I’m now married to him.

Obviously, everyone’s pattern is unique, but I suggest that, rather than focusing on the other person’s behaviour, the availability of his or her emotions, or whatever convenient external explanation you come up with, pay closer attention to your own behaviour and reactions. After all, you are the one part of the pattern that will always be there. You are also the only one who gets to decide where you fit.