Dear Josey,

I am 21 years old and have a rather embarrassing query for you. I have never come! And it really bothers me that I have been “faking it” for three years now! I’ve had the odd “wet dream” but never come from sex! Can you tell me if this is normal? What should I do? I have had the same partner for three years now, and he gets very anxious as to why I can’t!

— I Want To Come Too!

Dear Want,

Judging by all the exclamation marks in your letter, you’re getting yourself way too freaked out by this. Trust me, yours is not an embarrassing query. In fact, it’s the most common one I get from women. And hell, plenty of times it comes from women much older than you. So give yourself credit for addressing the situation now, rather than after you’ve been married for 20 years. Hey, I’ve seen it. So, let’s calm down here and see what we can do.

First of all, the fact that you have “wet dreams” (yes, women can have them, too) means the plumbing works. You don’t say whether you masturbate or not but I suspect that, like so many women in your situation, you haven’t taken the time to get to know what makes you tick. A big part of the reason this is such a common problem for women is that, unlike guys, where everything’s hanging out begging for a tug, women are all tucked away, making exploration less obvious. Get a mirror down there, and take a look at what’s going on. Cop a feel so you can figure out what gets your motor running, so you can play a little show ’n’ tell with your guy.

Too many women (and men) have this silly idea that it’s only a real orgasm if it comes strictly from penetration. Fact is, most women don’t come from intercourse and need additional clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Get a vibrator to help you out here. I’m a big fan of the vibrating egg or bullet. It’s inexpensive, and you can use it during intercourse by holding it over your clitoris while he penetrates you.

Oh, and stop faking. It’s obviously a waste of your time and effort anyway, if you’re boyfriend is on to the fact that you can’t come.

Dear Josey,

I just recently had my third child three weeks ago. He was nine pounds and I didn’t need stitches, partly because I am possibly stretched out from my other two kids. I recently looked at my vagina in the mirror to see how it was healing, and it just seems so stretched out. I’m so worried I’m going to be completely ruined, and my husband won’t get any pleasure. Is there anything I can do to make it tighter? I can’t afford surgery! I heard about Kegels, but does that tighten the inside or the opening of the vagina? Please help!

— Stretched To My Limit

Dear Stretched,

As if the sleep deprivation, having a baby constantly sucking on your breasts (if you’re breastfeeding), dealing with body image and all the other fun stuff that knocks the stuffing out of your sexual desire after childbirth wasn’t enough, hey?

The thing is, vaginas, along with your pelvic floor muscles, are designed to stretch when you have a baby. How else are you supposed to squeeze something the size of a small watermelon out your hooch? The vagina does regain much of its muscle tone naturally after childbirth, but you may not bounce back to the tight little love canal you once were, especially after popping a few of those puppies out. Then again, what part of us stays as tight as we were when we were younger anyway, right? Regular Kegels — squeezing your crotch and releasing like when you stop your pee mid-flow — will help tone your vaginal and pelvic floor muscles.

Consider yourself lucky. At least you didn’t tear. I read one story about a woman who tore from her vagina to her bum hole and they did such a botch job of stitching it up, she couldn’t even insert a finger inside without causing extreme pain. Which is why I don’t advise letting anyone with scissors or needles near your vagina unless absolutely necessary, whether you can afford it or not. Vaginoplasty (surgical tightening of the vagina) is costly and not guaranteed to improve things. I’m also leery of creams with obnoxious names like Virgin Cream and Harmony Cream. As with penile or breast enhancement creams, these questionable products are just cashing in on peoples’ feelings of sexual inadequacy.

As for your husband, there’s plenty of other ways you can give him pleasure. If he insists penetration is the only way for him to get his ya-yas, suggest he push a watermelon out of the end of his penis and see how much fun sex is for him afterwards.

And as for your pleasure, I’m presuming your clitoris still works?