Dear Josey,

I am a 46-year-old confirmed bachelor who’s in good shape. I enjoy being single and the ego boost I get from being single and desirable (at least where I’m from). The problem is that whenever I do go out with women, I’m not sure how to approach the subject of my decision to remain single. If I bring it up on the first date, it sounds egotistical (and I guess it is), but if I wait around for a few more dates and, God forbid, we do the “Hooty-Hoo,” her puppy-dog eyes start to gaze and I can almost hear her imagining us in wedded bliss. When I tell her the truth, I get accused of being a player, and of just using her. What is the etiquette in a situation like this? Is there any good way to handle it?

Seeking Solo Performance

Dear Seeking,

The “Hooty-Hoo,” huh? Well, because you made me laugh and you’re so damn honest about your situation, I can’t help but like ya. I also don’t think wanting to remain single and desirable is necessarily egotistical. But most of us have a hard time believing that anyone could possibly want to remain single.

Of course, you won’t be desirable and in good shape forever. No matter how ripped you are, things do sag. Not that we all need to find someone so we don’t have to get saggy alone, but it is something to think about. Do you think about growing old single? If that doesn’t bother you, hell, I say you’re better to be up front about it. Even if she doesn’t believe you (which she probably won’t because if someone likes you, he or she will usually hear “I want to be single until the right person comes along and because you’re so fabulous, it will clearly only be a matter of time before I realize it’s you”). At least then, if she sticks around and wants something after the “Hooty-Hoo,” you can remind her of what you said and she won’t be able to accuse you of being a player (well, she still might but at least you were an honest player and she can’t hold that against you). By waiting, she’ll feel led on and no one likes to feel that.

One thing, though. About those puppy-dog eyes and that wedded bliss thing. Not all women automatically go there. I suspect there’s a little projection going on since you can’t actually hear someone’s imagination. It might be worth considering that there are some women out there who, like you, aren’t looking for a conventional relationship. Not to spoil your fun, just something to keep in mind while your ego is basking in all that boosting.

Dear Josey,

I'm hooking up with someone older than me. We have sex but we’re not a couple because he had a girlfriend for few years and doesn't want a relationship. He's 28 years old and I think he wants to just enjoy himself. He goes to concerts etc. without me. He says that he loves me but then says: "I hope you're not in love with me” and “I hope that you’re not thinking we're a couple. We're hooking up and that's fine.” I don't know what to do because he thinks the world of me and I do of him. He wants to be with me, just not now. Is there any chance we’ll end up together?

Future Perfect?

Dear Future,

I love that “I don’t want to be in a relationship” bit. As if simply saying it, despite the fact that you’re dating and sleeping with someone, makes it so. It’s a bit like someone telling you they’re on a diet while they sit and eat chocolate ice cream in front of you.

I’m sorry, whether he likes it or not, but the two of you are in a relationship. Him telling you “not to be in love with him” or not to think of the two of you as a “couple” is simply him saying he’s not ready to commit to something serious. Which is fine. It’d just be nice if he could be more honest about it rather than making it your responsibility “not to fall in love with him.” Unfortunately, he can’t control that.

But if you’re in love with the guy, you owe it to yourself to be honest about it. Then you owe it to yourself to be honest about where he’s at and not waste anymore time waiting for some chance he’ll come around and you’ll end up together. Because of course, there’s always a chance. I’m just not a big fan of leaving my life up to chance. As long as you let him run the show, you’ll always be in a situation of, well, him running the show. It’s time to focus on your role and decide what you want to happen in the next act.

GET KINKY

Master Kinkster Morpheus, a previous subject in a few My Messy Bedroom columns (most memorably, one on his involvement with Pony Play — http://web.mac.com/jvogels/joseyvogels.com/my_messy_bedroom/Entries/2007/11/29_Hot_to_Trot.html), has just come out with his first book entitled How to Be Kinky: A Beginners Guide to BDSM, pubished by Green Candy Press in San Francisco. For more info, go to Lordmorpheus.com, and to listen to an interview with him on my CBC summer radio show Between You and Me, go to cbc.ca/betweenyouandme and click on the Too Hot for Our Time Slot link.